Craven On....

William Dawes

History, like any good fishing story, gets more and more misremembered over time.

The Trojan War was largely assumed to just be a myth for years, then somebody stumbled across the ruins of the city. Now because of that and Brad Pitt, people just assume the Trojan Horse was a real thing as well, despite any actual proof of this existing. This just goes to prove that history is most often determined by gorgeous men in skirts.

"Hey ladies"

Because of this, it’s easy to understand that many people with major historical influence get overlooked due to being fat and unmarketable. One man with plenty of reason to be angry at history is William Dawes.

"HAI LADEEZ LOL"

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The GBROAT

Vampires, pt. 1

Note:  I am prone to exaggeration and hyperbole.  While the two are closely associated, I have to distinguish between the two.  When I say exaggeration, I mean adding some things that didn’t happen to make a story funnier.  When I say hyperbole, I mean saying something is “the best/worst/craziest thing ever.”  I say this first to acknowledge this, and so that I can be honest when I say this story is 100% true and the craziest thing that has ever happened to me.  This story is true.  I have changed the names of places, and that’s it.  And this is part one of an inconsistent yet ongoing series of posts I will do about how much I hate vampires.

I was going to write a post on real vampires vs. movie vampires and then how much I hate vampires.  I was going to compare the ever popular Edward Cullen to Phil the Vampire, but then I remembered…not everyone knows Phil the Vampire.  As I have moved back home and left my college life behind me (sadly), I have a whole new set of friends to whom I can tell this story.  And now that I (sort of) have a new Internet community of friends (seriously, I’m AWESOME on Twitter), I have a whole new audience to share this story with.  So, here goes.  The story of Phil the Vampire.

As a junior in college, I got a job.  I have worked a lot of different jobs, and almost all of them were terrible.  This job was no different.  I was a cook at a late night chicken wing delivery place.  This was bad for several reason.  One, because the hours sucked.  Two, because it gave me unlimited access to free chicken wings.  The owner may or may not have not allowed that, but he also may or may not have wound up going to jail for a bunch of illegal tax evasion stuff.  Three, a vampire worked there. Continue reading “Vampires, pt. 1”

Craven On....

The Titanic

In the immense history of human disasters and failures, the story of the RMS Titanic stands alone as the one that has made James Cameron the most money.

Followed closely by that time we all attacked those blue people

But in the midst of all the Hollywood hype, it is easy to forget the simple truth behind the Titanic: it’s a story full of poor planning and complete oversight, set in a magical time where boats seemed to constantly be sinking.

This was the 1910s, when everyone just did stuff because they could.

"What? All I did was assassinate Archduke Franz Ferdinand. Not like THE WHOLE WORLD is gonna go to war or something."

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Guest Posts, Sportz, Useless Observation

Baseball Is NOT the Greatest Sport of All-Time (Part 2)

Today features part two of a series on baseball written by Sir Thomas Mark Zuniga (TMZ). Be sure to check out part one here, and also TMZ’s site here.

I recently guest-posted at The GBOAT, proclaiming baseball as the greatest sport of all-time.

Absurd. What was in my chewing tobacco that day?

I only cried twice as a kid, and both times involved baseball. In my last post I explained this statement was actually false, but once again I’ll lie for dramatization purposes. Like Manny Ramirez and an outfield door at Fenway.

By 8 years old, I’d asserted there was simply nothing better than baseball. Remember how God said “it is good” after creating dolphins and puppies, and then “it is very good” after creating man? Pretty sure He also employed the “very” after creating baseball on the third day—the same day He created perfectly patterned outfield grass.

HOW DO THEY DO IT?

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Lazy Post

When I Ruled The Internet

I had planned to put up a video today that was pretty funny and involved a roommate of mine and also Mandie Marie and Canada and stuff. But my computer likes to overheat for some reason and I was too lazy to try again.

Instead, I’m going to totally plug all the areas in which I appeared on the Internet over the past two weeks. Cause apparently it happened a lot. So without further ado about nothing, here’s a super lazy list of where I appeared, and also why you should check out all the sites I appeared on: Continue reading “When I Ruled The Internet”