The GBROAT

Vampires, pt. 1

Note: I am prone to exaggeration and hyperbole. While the two are closely associated, I have to distinguish between the two. When I say exaggeration, I mean adding some things that didn’t happen to make a story funnier. When I say hyperbole, I mean saying something is “the best/worst/craziest thing ever.” I say this first to acknowledge this, and so that I can be honest when I say this story is 100% true and the craziest thing that has ever happened to me. This story is true. I have changed the names of places, and that’s it. And this is part one of an inconsistent yet ongoing series of posts I will do about how much I hate vampires.

I was going to write a post on real vampires vs. movie vampires and then how much I hate vampires. I was going to compare the ever popular Edward Cullen to Phil the Vampire, but then I remembered…not everyone knows Phil the Vampire. As I have moved back home and left my college life behind me (sadly), I have a whole new set of friends to whom I can tell this story. And now that I (sort of) have a new Internet community of friends (seriously, I’m AWESOME on Twitter), I have a whole new audience to share this story with. So, here goes. The story of Phil the Vampire.

As a junior in college, I got a job. I have worked a lot of different jobs, and almost all of them were terrible. This job was no different. I was a cook at a late night chicken wing delivery place. This was bad for several reason. One, because the hours sucked. Two, because it gave me unlimited access to free chicken wings. The owner may or may not have not allowed that, but he also may or may not have wound up going to jail for a bunch of illegal tax evasion stuff. Three, a vampire worked there. Continue reading “Vampires, pt. 1”

Guest Posts, Sportz, Useless Observation

Baseball Is NOT the Greatest Sport of All-Time (Part 2)

Today features part two of a series on baseball written by Sir Thomas Mark Zuniga (TMZ). Be sure to check out part one here, and also TMZ’s site here.

I recently guest-posted at The GBOAT, proclaiming baseball as the greatest sport of all-time.

Absurd. What was in my chewing tobacco that day?

I only cried twice as a kid, and both times involved baseball. In my last post I explained this statement was actually false, but once again I’ll lie for dramatization purposes. Like Manny Ramirez and an outfield door at Fenway.

By 8 years old, I’d asserted there was simply nothing better than baseball. Remember how God said “it is good” after creating dolphins and puppies, and then “it is very good” after creating man? Pretty sure He also employed the “very” after creating baseball on the third day—the same day He created perfectly patterned outfield grass.

Continue reading “Baseball Is NOT the Greatest Sport of All-Time (Part 2)”

Guest Posts, Sportz

Baseball is the Greatest Sport of All Time (Part 1)

Today is an awesome day. TMZ, Mr. Thomas Mark Zuniga, has graced us with a two-part guest post about baseball, and why he says it is the greatest sport of all time. Words have been spoken on The GBOAT about baseball, but TMZ brings in an entirely new viewpoint and perspective.

In fact, his viewpoint and perspective is why I like reading his blog. He grew up in Philadelphia, moved to Georgia, and after college (we graduated the same year. Exciting!) moved out to the West Coast. He has a great site where he talks about wandering around the West, some of his favorite TV shows, and also just his insight into life. Trust me when I say it is much more worth your time than any other TMZ in existence.

I grew up in the ripple rings of Philadelphia. Not to be confused with nipple rings, which also exist there. I was steeped in the grand Philadelphia sports tradition at an early age, and by “grand Philadelphia sports tradition,” I mean to say that I hated hockey, basketball, and football.

Ah, but baseball. Baseball was different.

My first baseball game took me across the Delaware River to Waterfront Park, home to the mighty Trenton Thunder. The Thunder was/were a farm team of the Red Sox, but now they’re New York Yankee property. I don’t really understand; it’d be like if you gave your firstborn son to that guy in class who always raised his hand.

FEAR THE BLUE HULK AND HIS LIGHTNING BAT.

Continue reading “Baseball is the Greatest Sport of All Time (Part 1)”

Guest Posts, Real Talk

Knox McCoy Presents “YOU GUYS: Rambling Advice From A Writer, Or Vice Versa”

The Greatest Blog Of All Time is starting April off strong, with a solid post by the one and only Knox McCoy. Knox knows a thing or two about blogging and writing. Along with his own site, he is a founding member/patient of the TV Asylum, and also author of Jesus and the Bachelorette and A Manifesto About Manifestos: A Manifesto (10 Major Rules On Writing A Manifesto), both of which are guaranteed to change your life either in a good or bad way.

Today, Knox stops by to share advice to beginner bloggers. This is all advice that he has shared with me before, and YOU GUYS….it’s worth memorizing. Ladies and gentlemen….Knox McCoy:

Note: This is an April Fool’s post constructed entirely from sentences Knox McCoy wrote in emails to me. They were removed from context, then pieced together into….this.

YOU GUYS. Let’s just talk here. Let’s just be adults. I think I’m a really obnoxious person and it’s all coming to the surface. Axe murderer would be an upgrade for my rep. This is pretty much a perfect summation of my biggest fear.

A friend of mine swears by The Keat. That is simply fantastic. I ramble too. Everyone else sends me 6 word responses and I type 83 paragraphs and feel self-conscious. Call me old-fashioned, right?

I hate the term building a brand. That’s the one bad thing about the internet. It’s a delicate balance between trying to become something, and eye-raping everyone with every thought you’ve ever had ever. Geez. Expectations, you know? Put a ring on it.

Continue reading “Knox McCoy Presents “YOU GUYS: Rambling Advice From A Writer, Or Vice Versa””

Muzak, Sportz, The GBROAT, Useless Observation

The Second Greatest Thing to Happen to the World. Ever.

TJC Note: In honor of NBA All-Star weekend, here is Chandler’s approach to the theatrical classic Space Jam. It should be noted that Chandler was, in fact, the inspiration for this other Space Jam post so they go together like wine and cheese.

I’m assuming Joseph Craven, a close friend and all around wonderful guy, will edit this part out and write nice things about me. In case he doesn’t, I’ll write nice things about myself and attribute them to him. Chandler is a great guy. Really a visionary. I’m always amazed at the great ideas he comes up with, and it is an honor for me to have him contributing to this blog. I think we are all better people for it, and a lunch with/video with/podcast/anything where you actually get to hear his voice will be the best thing (besides this particular post) to ever happen to this blog.

Joseph Craven and I are almost identical twins. In fact, we are almost the same in almost every aspect except for the sports teams we support. In that area, we’re direct opposites – #FAILSTATE #amirite #amireallyhashtaggingablogpost #kseriouslyimdonenow. But possibly the one sports-related thing we agree wholeheartedly on is this:

“Space Jam” is the second greatest thing to ever happen to the world. Ever.

And no, I don’t mean the “sports world” or the “movie world” or the “breaking down barriers between humans and cartoons world.” I mean THE ENTIRE WORLD.

I believe that statement so strongly that I don’t think writing any further is necessary. But as a passionate movie watcher (I have seen like 15 movies…top that!) I am not capable of passing up an opportunity to discuss such a great work of American cinematography. So let’s analyze briefly why Space Jam is the second greatest thing to happen to the world. Ever. Continue reading “The Second Greatest Thing to Happen to the World. Ever.”

Real Talk, Sportz, The GBROAT

A Post About A Christian Athlete

Today’s post is the first from my good friend Chandler. Chandler is a pastor-in-training who works with college students. Along with being a solid dude, he is also funny sometimes and also enjoys writing. Therefore, it just makes sense for him to start writing semi-regularly for The Greatest Blog Of All Time.

You can follow Chandler on Twitter, and you can read his semi-serious, rarely updated blog as well.

My goal for this year was to write more often, and to write more humorous stuff. I’m thankful for the GBOAT and the opportunity to have a place to do that. I wrote a post about the movie Space Jam for this blog that I really enjoyed writing and hopefully will be run soon. But this whole thing came up, and it just felt way more important to me, so this one is, as we like to say, “real talk.”

So, stop me if you’ve heard this one before – hot shot baseball prospect. Gets drafted, then loses everything – his career, his family, almost his life – because of drugs and alcohol. He meets Jesus, cleans his life up, and becomes an All-Star and wins an MVP award. He lives happily ever after, because that’s what Jesus does, right? He gets you out of a jam and fulfills your wildest fantasies and everything is ok after that…right?

Well, that’s what happened in this story.

Sort of.

Continue reading “A Post About A Christian Athlete”