The Second Greatest Thing to Happen to the World. Ever.

TJC Note: In honor of NBA All-Star weekend, here is Chandler’s approach to the theatrical classic Space Jam. It should be noted that Chandler was, in fact, the inspiration for this other Space Jam post so they go together like wine and cheese.

I’m assuming Joseph Craven, a close friend and all around wonderful guy, will edit this part out and write nice things about me.  In case he doesn’t, I’ll write nice things about myself and attribute them to him.  Chandler is a great guy.  Really a visionary.  I’m always amazed at the great ideas he comes up with, and it is an honor for me to have him contributing to this blog.  I think we are all better people for it, and a lunch with/video with/podcast/anything where you actually get to hear his voice will be the best thing (besides this particular post) to ever happen to this blog.

Joseph Craven and I are almost identical twins.  In fact, we are almost the same in almost every aspect except for the sports teams we support.  In that area, we’re direct opposites – #FAILSTATE #amirite #amireallyhashtaggingablogpost #kseriouslyimdonenow.  But possibly the one sports-related thing we agree wholeheartedly on is this:

“Space Jam” is the second greatest thing to ever happen to the world.  Ever.

And no, I don’t mean the “sports world” or the “movie world” or the “breaking down barriers between humans and cartoons world.”  I mean THE ENTIRE WORLD.

I believe that statement so strongly that I don’t think writing any further is necessary.  But as a passionate movie watcher (I have seen like 15 movies…top that!) I am not capable of passing up an opportunity to discuss such a great work of American cinematography.  So let’s analyze briefly why Space Jam is the second greatest thing to happen to the world.  Ever.

First, Space Jam broke down barriers we didn’t even know existed.  Prior to 1996, humans and cartoons didn’t get along.  Everybody knows that.  Sure, there were a few instances here and there, but never before (at least according to my research which is entire subjective, incredibly lazy, and therefore nonexistant) has a human character infiltrated a cartoon world the way Michael Jordan did.  I mean, it’s one thing for humans and cartoons to work together to solve a mystery, but for a human to volunteer to step in to save all that is good in the cartooniverse?  I mean, Michael Jordan had every right to just let Swackhammer and the Monstars take over.  It wouldn’t have affected him in the slightest.  BUT HE DID IT ANYWAY, thus proving that humans and cartoons can coexist.  That’s a big deal, y’all.

Second, Space Jam provides a way more plausible explanation for what Michael Jordan did during his first retirement.  Yeah, I know it was rumored he played “baseball.”  I’ve even been to the Birmingham Barons stadium a few times (yes, I cared about college baseball for a year and a half or so and went to the SEC baseball tournament there. Sue me) and seen his picture on the wall, but I refuse to believe that stint as a baseball player ever actually happened.  Sure, there are “statistics” and “video footage” of him playing baseball, but I think that was probably the government initiating a coverup.  In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me if, after Michael Jordan dies, a memoir is released telling us that he never played baseball but the United States government put out those “videos” and “statistics” to continue their obvious coverup of alien life.  Think along this logic…”MICHAEL JORDAN PLAYING BASEBALL DOESN’T MAKE SENSE, THEREFORE, ALIENS.”  It’s flawless, just ask Giorgio Tsoukalis, the star of the History Channel’s “Ancient Aliens.”  Seriously, look him up.

Third, Space Jam finally proved, once and for all, that superstars get all the calls.  Yes, Michael Jordan traveled on the game winning dunk.  No, it doesn’t bother me at all.  Just like it doesn’t bother me when Tom Brady gets a rule made up on the spot, just like it doesn’t bother me when Lebron lowers his shoulder and destroys people, and just like it doesn’t bother me when the NHL or MLB go on strike.  Doesn’t bother me.  Let it be a lesson for all the kids out there – work hard, get famous, break the rules.  No problem.  Space Jam proved that for me and I will be forever grateful.

There are plenty of other reasons Space Jam is the second greatest thing to happen to the world.  Ever.  Reasons like Charles Barkley and Bill Murray being in the same movie.  The soundtrack introducing me to so many new things (namely R. Kelly and rap music.  I was an 11 year old shelterd Southern Baptist at the time…these things changed my world).  Lola Bunny (seriously, Bugs finally got his girl.  There IS hope for me after all, though I don’t think I can just draw a picture and she’ll become real and love me.  I may have said too much…).  All of those are great reasons, but I feel like the three stated above are the best.

If I may offer one (and only one) criticism of this great film, it’s that Warner Brothers though THIS GUY had enough basketball talent to help save Bugs and his friends.  Shawn Bradley.  Come on guys, even I have dunked on him.

Finally, if anybody EVER tries to come up with the absurd suggestion that the Space Jam soundtrack isn’t the greatest album of all time, please

1. point out to them that it went SIX TIMES PLATINUM and
2. punch them in the face.

That is all.

Shameless self promotion – follow me on twitter @THECHANNINATOR.  I also have a semi-serious rarely updated blog here.