Baseball, Pt. 2

A lot of people don’t realize that post on The GBOAT often aren’t about things I hate. In fact, a lot of them cover things that I am not only fine with, but actually enjoy.

I’m fascinated by people who do Parkour. I’ve wasted countless hours playing Call of Duty. Daniel Woods may be a big stupid doodoohead, but we still hang out all the time.

You see, GBOAT posts aren’t expressions of hatred by any means. They’re just the way I see things. I don’t understand why we have to study King Louis VIII, so I write about that fact. I don’t understand the huge fuss over Google+ (nor do I understand rhyming), so I write about that.

But I don’t hate either of them. I’m still on Google+, and last I checked, I’m still beheading my wives so I can move on to new ones.

The same applies to baseball. Being a huge sports fan, I like baseball. But I don’t actually love baseball.

But what I do love about baseball is spreading lies about the game.

In this second essay in a three-part series on baseball, I will share with you a few lies about baseball that I try to pass off as truth.

You see, baseball has little intricacies all throughout it. From batting stances, to pitching styles, to infield fly rules, baseball can be complicated.

Through this complication, there have been a few things that I’ve picked up on that I enjoy stating as matter-of-factly as possible, despite how ridiculous they are. Here are the best.

The MLB draft lasts for a full month, and literally anyone can be drafted. I kid you not, it is up to 50 rounds long. It starts in mid-June, and doesn’t end til some time in July. Rookies report to their minor league teams while the season is actually still going on. I swear some of them show up to play in their high school graduation caps and gowns.

Baseball is the last of the Big Three professional sports that still allows kids to be drafted right out of high school. Not only that, but some kids get drafted two or three times.

That’s right, you can get drafted, say “no” to the team, go about your life, and then get drafted again next year. Getting drafted basically means nothing.

Once, a friend tossed an acorn to at me while I held a stick. I blasted it across the street on the first try, then went inside (likely to play some Call of Duty). I got a call from the Arizona Diamondbacks the next day. I turned them down because I could find more success waiting tables than playing for the D-backs.

More players are electing to spend time in college before going pro, though, so expect the draft to get even more desperate.

The MLB season ends one month after the next season has already started. Baseball teams play 162 games each. Because of the number of games, their season overlaps basketball, football, and itself.

October is an exciting time for baseball. Not only are the playoffs in full swing, but you’re also getting to see the rookies make their debuts for the following season.

You can understand how the seasons just blend together. One minute a team is celebrating a World Series Victory, and the next they’re boarding a plan to fly to Montreal to play a regular season matchup against the Expos.

Before I move on: the Expos still exist, right?

If a pitcher balks twice in one game, he is banned from baseball. A balk is one of those odd things about baseball that don’t necessarily make sense, like batting averages or ERAs. Here’s basically how it works:

A pitcher can stand on the mound for a while just looking around an enjoying the scenery. But then he HAS to make a decision to throw the ball. He has a few options on where to throw the ball. If somebody is leading off from a base, he can throw it over there to try and get them out.

This never works, by the way.

Otherwise, he is supposed to start his pitching motion and deliver the ball to the plate. Sometimes, though, the pitcher screws up and changes his mind halfway through. This is illegal, and it is called a balk.

Here, maybe this diagram will help:

Somebody once made the mistake of telling me that if a pitcher balks twice in one game, “he’s done.” Naturally, I assumed this meant that he was banned from baseball for life. So if you ever see a pitcher balk, get ready. There is a LOT of pressure on him for the rest of the game.

I’m almost positive neither of us were right, but that hasn’t made me stop thus far.

(P.S. The Major League record for most balks in a game is 5)

There is a little bit of truth in each of the lies about baseball I tell. So maybe they’re just exaggerations, not lies.

And maybe that’s what the sport of baseball needs.

How about you? What’s your favorite joke about Human Growth Hormone?