Author: The Joseph Craven

I'm tall, but not so tall that people point and stare.
Real Talk, This Is What Happens

My Xanga

“Hindsight is a beautiful thing.
When you can look back and see what patience and time can bring.”
– John Reuben

The Greatest Blog Of All Time isn’t my first trip into the world of writing. Specifically, writing on the Internet. Specifically, writing on the Internet for the purpose of having other people read it. Specifically, writing really stupid stuff for this purpose.

When I was finishing up high school/starting college, Xanga had reached the height of popularity. Naturally, it has gone the way of MySpace since then. Except worse. MySpace doesn’t get a spell check squiggly line underneath it. It’s recognized as an actual word. Xanga isn’t.

Poor Xanga.

And while my old Xanga hasn’t been touched in many years, I can’t find the heart to delete it. That’s because it serves as a sort of inadvertent diary. Looking back on how I was in 2005 is just fascinating. I love seeing how I’ve grown/changed/gotten worse since then.

I also love seeing this great photo:

Sometimes you just have to jump-kick your brother in the head

So that’s why every now and then, I take a trip back to see where I’ve come from. Here are the lessons I’ve learned from my old Xanga page: Continue reading “My Xanga”

Craven On....

Teddy Roosevelt, Pt. 4

At this point in time, you are likely wondering two things:

  1. What else could Teddy Roosevelt POSSIBLY accomplish?
  2. How many more GBOAT posts could POSSIBLY be written about him?

Well, the answer to the first question is “A lot, so shut it” and the second answer is “This is the last one, so calm down.”

In this fourth post in the series, The GBOAT takes one final look at American legend and international recording artist pinnacle of manliness Theodore Roosevelt.

In 1534, Charles V, Holy Roman Emperor and King of Spain, ordered a survey to be done in Panama to find an easier way to travel. Back then, if somebody needed to sail from Europe to Texas (a trip that undoubtedly happened ALL THE TIME), they had to go all the way around South America.

But Texas didn’t exist yet, so those plans fell through.

"Oh yeah. My bad"

Continue reading “Teddy Roosevelt, Pt. 4”

This Is What Happens

My Left Hand

I’ve been extremely busy this week with jobs and adventures and straight thuggin’ so I was unable to do what I had planned to do for today. However, I have a story for you. I hope you enjoy.

My left hand is useless. I mean, my right hand is barely good for anything, and it’s the dominant one. So there’s really no use for that left paw.

Just ask Daniel Woods. I once grabbed his laptop to move it maybe 10 inches. I thought I could trust Lefty with this one. I was wrong. It fell and the screen shattered.

Lefty cost me a nice chunk of change that day. Continue reading “My Left Hand”

Craven On....

Teddy Roosevelt, Pt. 3

Only Teddy Roosevelt could take something like the Presidency and make it the most boring part of his life.

He stumbled into the office by accident, and seemingly liked it enough to stick around for a few years. But even with all the time he spent appointing federal judges (75 of them), it always seemed as though running a country was always just getting in the way of other things.

Such as climbing hills

In part three of this look at Theodore Roosevelt, The GBOAT focuses on lame stuff, like being President of The United States of America. Continue reading “Teddy Roosevelt, Pt. 3”

Lazy Post

Power Outages

Yesterday was a struggle. I had a project at work that is due today that just was NOT coming together. Towards the end of the day, I was finally gaining momentum. Things were looking good. I got about 90% through with it.

Then the power went out.

The project I was working on was on some website, and there was no auto-save involved. That, combined with the fact that the internet at my house is down, lead to a complete and utter lack of inspiration.

So while I had this WONDERFUL post planned that would’ve offered great solutions to the debt crisis and even came up with a few new alternate energy sources, it didn’t develop. Now you’re stuck with a lazy post.

Be sure to click ALL of the links. Continue reading “Power Outages”

Craven On....

Teddy Roosevelt, Pt. 2

Over the course of time, facts about historical figures are often lost. Some of their greatest achievements are downgraded or even completely forgotten. People remember only one or two things that they accomplished, and the rest is thrown away.

The funny thing is, sometimes it doesn’t take a long amount of time for this to happen.

Just ten years ago, Drew Bledsoe was set to lead the New England Patriots to a potential Super Bowl run. He was injured in the second game (a sheared blood vessel in his chest, which sounds like the worst thing ever) and was replaced by unheralded backup Tom Brady. Brady, of course, has gone on to become on of the best quarterbacks in NFL history.

And has become Marsha Brady

Continue reading “Teddy Roosevelt, Pt. 2”