Tyrannosaurus Rex

Today’s post is written by the wise and influential Stanton Martin! Enjoy this post? Hate it? Have a topic you want to hear about? Leave some feedback!

Tyrannosaurus Rex. The very name invokes fear, but what exactly is in a name? Anyone with the most basic background in Latin can tell you that “Rex” is the word for “king”. While the word “Tyrannosaurus” is Latin, it was derived from a combination of two Greek words. Unfortunately the literal translation was lost over time, but in today’s terms, Tyrannosaurus Rex would roughly translate: bad ass eater of kings. The T-Rex was one of the largest known land predators, measuring up to 42 feet in length, up to 13 feet tall at the hips, and up to 7.5 tons in weight.

Science tried to feed the Tyrannosaurus Rex a goat tied to a stick, but the T-Rex didn’t want Science’s lame kabob. Especially if Science didn’t even take the time to actually skewer the goat. The T-Rex has no patience with underprepared hosts. What could the T-Rex do with a kabob anyway? Have you seen its arms? Science may tell you that the T-Rex was a scavenger; Science may also tell you that Pluto is not a planet, or that California is not, in fact, an island as believed by early explorers, but, Science is wrong, my friends, because California is an island (as proven by a map), Pluto is the best planet, and the T-Rex ate the hell out of every living thing that moved.

Speaking of movement, the T-Rex’s vision was actually based off of movement; as in, if you did not move, the T-Rex could not see you. Alan Grant knew this; Ian Malcolm did not. We all know how that turned out. My only question is: whaaaaat? Vision, based on movement? Isn’t that kind of like saying my ability to swim is based off of the presence of water? (is that like that, I do not know) Would not simply turning your head provide the movement needed to see? I DON’T KNOW BECAUSE I AM NOT A DINOSAUR.

I do know that the T-Rex was fast. John Hammond once said, “We’ve clocked the T-Rex at 3.2 miles an hour,” or at least that is what someone on the Internet said that he said, but that didn’t seem very fast to me, so I dug deeper, and it turns out he really said, “We’ve clocked the T-Rex at 32 miles an hour,” to which Alan Grant promptly responded by tossing his breakfast, because it was so much faster than 3.2 miles an hour. Later we would learn that the T-Rex is more of a sprinter rather than a marathon man as evidenced by a particularly jarring chase scene between the T-Rex and a gas powered Jeep full of Lunchables®.

I know what you are thinking, “Shouldn’t they be able to out drive a T-Rex in a Jeep, I mean the T-Rex can only run 32 miles an hour.”  You would be right (and great reading comprehension skills, friend), except for one minor detail, Ian Malcolm was blocking the gearshift, creating panic as the Jeep could not accelerate past a certain speed, roughly 32  miles per hour, based on my rough estimations. A hysterical Dr. Sadler screams, “Shift! Shift! Shift!” a primal call for more speed as the Jeep plows through a fallen tree trunk. Well, that’s what I thought when I was a kid anyway; turns out when a giant man-eating lizard is chasing down your Jeep, sometimes profanity is the only option.

Some would argue that the T-Rex was a merciless killing machine devoid of all human emotions. I disagree. Could a soulless monster devoid of humor eat an attorney as he sits on a toilet?

I think not.

I suspect even as cold and heartless as Gennaro was, he saw a semblance of humor in the situation. You know, between his screaming, and dying.

Jurassic Park did many things for our generation, but I think one of the greatest  was to really paint a more complete image of the Tyrannosaurus Rex- an apparently sexless dinosaur (based off of my gender neutral treatment throughout this post) destined for greatness by its very name, and yet burdened by handicaps it had to learn to overcome; a dinosaur that possessed whit, charm, and an insatiable appetite for human flesh; perhaps not as intelligent as its Velociraptor counterparts, but infinitely better looking, and more entertaining at cocktail parties.

Jurassic Park did a great job of raising such valid philosophical issues such as whether or not science should do something just because it can do something, as well as the futility of man’s contrived constraints on nature. I’ll be honest with you though, if science ever can bring the Tyrannosaurus Rex back from extinction, then I say do it, hope for the best, and above all else, hold onto your butts.