Alan Grant

Alan Grant was everything that we men should aspire to be. In a world full of characters like Rocky Balboa, Rambo, and [insert Sylvester Stallone character here], this may be hard to believe. But while he didn’t spend all of his time flexing amazing pecs like an action hero, he was proving his manliness in countless other ways. In particular, he was super smart, wore awesome hats, and hated kids. All things that men should do.

Didn't you always just want to punch the little turd?

In the movie, Alan Grant was characterized by his intelligence, as he was considered the top paleontologist in the world. This separates him from other movie heroes because it’s believable. Whose daughter did you kidnap? A guy who just so happens to apparently be the deadliest man to ever live, Liam Neeson? Oops. Sure that mistake happens all the time.

Zach Stafford drew this, and everyone needs to see it

What about another certain smart guy action hero who wears a hat? Are we actually expected to believe that it’s perfectly cool for Dr. Indiana Jones to just leave the college for weeks at a time just to look for artifacts? Seems like he would get fired at some point if he only made it to two classes a semester. And why does he constantly get approached with these absurd quests? Was extreme treasure hunting just that common in those days?

The times, they are a changing.

But could somebody actually be the expert in their scientific field, and therefore get asked to give an expert opinion on a potential theme park? Well of course! We’ll just ignore the fact that the park itself is completely unbelievable.

Grant’s super intelligence is the main reason he stays alive, as well. If he didn’t know that the Tyrannosaurus Rex can only see you if you’re dancing around like a fool, then he and the kids he hated but protected for some reason would be a snack. Leave it to Jeff Goldblum to ignore this fact.

What exactly was he an expert at, anyway?

But what you’ve never thought about is that because Alan Grant knew to stay calm, he was therefore also the most deadly man in the world. Why, you ask? He knew his enemy. Still doubt me? You might have heard this famous quote before:

So it is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you can win a hundred battles without a single loss.”

That was written by a man named Sun Tzu. You may know him. He wrote a book. It was called THE ART OF WAR.

You will never realize it, coming from a doctor who spends all of his time studying bones, but Alan Grant knows your tactics. Raptors are smart enough to attack from all sides? T-Rex can’t see right in front of him if nothing’s moving? Grant knows all of this.

So Alan Grant knows all of your weaknesses, and he will exploit them to get the upper hand. And he’ll beat you just by outsmarting you, not out muscling or out shooting you. Yeah. That just happened.

We should all strive to be Alan Grant.

To celebrate the 18th anniversary of Jurassic Park, here is a bonus GBOAT post! Enjoy this post? Hate it? Have a topic you want to hear about? Leave some feedback!


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