Daniel Woods is a terrible person. Probably the worst. I’m not exaggerating. He’ll admit it.
I can get away with saying that. You can’t. It’s the same concept as being able to make fun of my home state because I live here and love it, but as soon as an outsider does the same, I’m throwing punches.
I can say it, because Daniel knows that I WILL throw those punches for his sake. He knows I’ve got his back at all times. He also knows that I think he’s the worst.
I had already planned a post about how awful Daniel Woods is. Then he told me that because his birthday is in August, he felt he deserved a post about him. This is the type of person he is.
So allow me to tell you about my best friend: the douche bag Daniel Woods.
My first encounter with Daniel Woods was before college, through Xanga. Does anybody actually remember when that was popular? It was the trendy thing in the early 2000’s. Of course, the trend switched to Facebook, then Twitter, then Tumblr, and now Google+. All of this happened in the course of about five years. Trends are stupid.
I got connected with some people that I would be going to college with, and discovered a Xanga group entitled “I Hate Daniel Wood(s).” I didn’t understand why there was a parenthesis in the title. I didn’t understand why so many people hated him. I just knew that, without ever meeting him, this was the group for me.
Our actual friendship grew out of a mutual respect for each other. Specifically, a mutual respect of how terrible we were. Daniel would verbally harass every human being around him, and I would throw it all back in his face equally. Yes, our friendship started because we were awful to each other and respected each other for it.
If you had doubts that the foundation of our friendship was shaky ground, I’m sure they are gone now.
From there, The Dynamic Duo (and awesome nickname that we came up with ourselves) went on to have many adventures. We would deliberately wear sport coats into the cafeteria and drink out of goblets, just to be pretentious. Since I’m tall and lanky, and he is shorter and stockier, we naturally won the annual Facial Hair Fashion Show by growing sweet ‘staches and dressing up just like the Mario Bros.
Basically, we were just really obnoxious people. All the time.
For whatever reason, Daniel has always been able to convince me to do practically anything. When somebody approaches me with a terrible idea, I typically say “No. That’s a terrible idea. I will not take part in that.”
When Daniel approaches me with a terrible idea, such as “Hey, let’s mix vanilla protein powder with fruit punch Gatorade!” I typically say “Hey, maybe that’s not a terrible idea! I will TOTALLY take part in that!”
The only exception thus far? When he tried to get me to eat a red bean Popsicle. I learned at that moment that I do, in fact, have limits.
So if you’re keeping score at home, you should now understand that Daniel Wood(s) is both a terrible human being and an awful friend. But we have only scratched the surface of how obnoxious he can be.
In 2010, Daniel Woods won at Twitter. It was a simple, five word tweet that crowned him king. Not only that, it was a mistake. You see, we have a running joke that the way to get retweeted by strangers (which is a band name I already called dibs on) was to make stupid comments about trending topics.
Daniel has the gift of saying random things at will. He doesn’t have to try. He just opens his mouth (or in this case starts typing) and it happens. Thus, he sent out a simple tweet that read: “I don’t believe in Mexico” and threw in some trending hashtags.
We didn’t know it at the time, but Jimmy Kimmel was having people submit song names for a duet he was going to make with Justin Bieber. They would submit it by typing in #KimmelBieberDuet. Daniel did this for no reason, completely unaware of this contest. We don’t even watch Jimmy Kimmel. We have better things to do.
Without fail, Kimmel searched through the thousands of tweets sent his direction, and for whatever reason, liked Daniel’s as a potential name.
Oh by the way, that Twitter name? TheDanWoo? Yeah, Daniel didn’t like the fact that 3rd parties could get information on him from Facebook, so he changed his named to Dan Woo. Cause he’s paranoid. And then people started calling him that.
That’s right: Daniel is “That Guy” who gave himself his own nickname.
His most recent act of douchery, however, is one that we’re not sure can be topped. You see, Daniel is a big fan of Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, and he is quite good at it. He is good friends with the people who run the academy he goes to. And they, in return, are big fans of putting three-story tall pictures of people on their buildings.
In other words, if you are ever driving on I-55 in Jackson, Mississippi, near County Line Road….I am so sorry.
Daniel Woods always said that he would be dead by the age of 25. It appears he was wrong, as his 25th birthday is this month. So join me in wishing a happy birthday to the worst best friend any person could ask for….
But exactly the right best friend a jerk like me could ever have. Wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Here’s hoping your prediction wasn’t TOO far off, though. I doubt I can handle much more of this.