On Fridays, The GBOAT will feature a quick recap of the most popular news stories of the week, according to Yahoo News and CNN.com. Love this post? Hate it? Got any suggestions? Leave some feedback!
1. Sarah Palin messes up Paul Revere story, people react like she rewrote the Bible
While wandering around Boston aimlessly, as politicians frequently do, Sarah Palin started to give an impromptu history lesson on Paul Revere and his famous ride. However, Palin got a little carried away and made the following remarks:
“He who warned the British that they weren’t going to be taking away our arms by ringing those bells and making sure as he’s riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be secure and we were going to be free, and then he killed King George with one hand tied behind his back, ended slavery, and brought Lazarus back from the dead.”
And with that small mistake, riots broke out all over the nation, as forgetting such a monumental moment in American history led instantly to the collapse of the central government. Or maybe not, but that was how the general reaction felt. It seems that Revere was secretly everyone’s favorite person to ever live, as more and more people came out of the woodwork to say how offended they were that Palin got this fact wrong.
Or maybe she didn’t. It could just be that maybe we all don’t actually know anything about the event, as most of the “truth” to the story just comes from a poem written one hundred years later. But that’s just how history works.
2. The Miami Heat lose a few games, everybody finds more reasons to hate LeBron James
Last summer, NBA star LeBron James stunned everybody by abandoning everyone he knew in Ohio to go hang out with some friends in Florida. He held an hour long televised press conference during which he took the time to physically back-stab every citizen of Cleveland, punch a baby seal in the face, and talk about how awesome Satan is. Or something like that
Regardless of what actually happened, everyone outside of South Florida hates him now. And this week, that increased, as his team, currently playing for the NBA Championship, lost a few great games to the Dallas Mavericks. During the 4th quarter of all three losses, LeBron James seemed timid, preferring to pass the ball off to his teammates like they were playing Hot Potato, and sometimes just standing there on defense watching. Watching and waiting.
According to the media, however, LeBron has done nothing this entire post-season, as teammate Dwayne Wade has had to score 100 points a game for Miami to make it anywhere (Chicago series? What Chicago series?). Therefore, Michael Jordan’s name has popped up so many times that honestly people are starting to make up MJ stories just to find more difference between the two.
3. Anthony Weiner admits to sending lewd photos, internet promptly explodes
Twitter is simultaneously the greatest and worst thing ever created. It allows us to see awesome news stories right when they develop. It also allows us to instantly ruin our political careers, such as Anthony Weiner did by accidentally posting lewd photos on his Twitter page.
However, the absolute worst thing that it does is give us the list of Trending Topics. On any given day, we get to deal with great topics such as #LetsMakeLove and the ever fascinating #ThisWeekend.
Stories like Anthony Weiner’s are manna from heaven for people on the internet. Gossip writers almost sweat their spray tans off at the limitless possibilities this story has, and more importantly, it gives a chance for every single person in existence to make childish puns and put them in the internet box.
The Trending Topics list on Monday simply said “Weiner” and “OH GOD PLEASE MAKE IT STOP”
4. Flying Bear kills two in car, I did not make this up.
First thing’s first, this story is DEPRESSING. That goes without saying. Two people were just driving around, having a merry Canadian time, and then a bear came crashing through the windshield. Apparently the bear was struck by a car, which then sent the 400 pound animal flying.
Alledgely.
We all know bears are awesome. They’re like massive dogs that hate you. And because of that, they’re deadly and dangerous. The only way that a 400 pound killing machine could be more terrifying? If it learned how to fly.
My friends, there are dark days ahead of us.
5. Buy a PC, get a toy with a 50% chance of breaking
Microsoft announced a new deal aimed at students, where with purchase of a new PC, they would get an Xbox for free. Pretty sweet deal, sure, but there’s three things about it that make it really just stunning:
A) The Xbox involved has a stunning 4gb of memory. For those of you who are curious, most new smart phones come with four times as much memory.
B) Microsoft is blatantly copying an idea Apple had. Well, Apple didn’t give an Xbox, of course. Students could purchase a nice, sleek, overpriced laptop made out of metal and get not just a printer and a discount, but also an iPod for entertainment and the satisfaction that you were trendier than your friends.
C) Their marketing is GENIUS. Take a look at this Facebook ad:
That’s right: All you really need for college. I imagine that in the meeting to discuss this ad, some guy just went “Look guys, why do we even TRY to act like this is an educational deal? It’s college. COLLEGE! Just cut the crap and they’ll buy it.”
Ten bucks says it totally works.
In conclusion:
Thursday, on the magical creation that is Twitter, Ryan North, author of Dinosaur Comics and overall genius, made the following comment about this photo. Enjoy!
(photo cortosy of DrewToothPaste on mlkshk)
Your Friend Joseph Craven Welcomes You To The GBOAT 
As if the bear cavalry wasn’t terrifying enough, now nature is creating an all-bear airforce (a “bearforce”, if you will) to destroy us all. Most probably they will be flung at us by the countless tornadoes that have been plaguing us for the past few months.