Highs are fun. Lows are not. Balance can be pretty good too, I guess.
Because of balance, I haven’t felt the need to write on this blog as much. Or maybe more specifically, I haven’t felt the need to write about depression as much. Of course, part of that is due in large part to having less of a need to share publicly about stuff, thanks to much more happening right in front of me and so many people around me to reconnect with.
I probably owe you guys an update, though, so here are some bullet points.
- I haven’t been blogging as much because I’ve had several other, less public outlets to channel my creative energy. I may share those with you later on, when things are done, but as for now they’re just enjoyable for me and that’s neat.
- I realized I didn’t have any obligation to shave for any of my jobs. So….I just started growing a beard until somebody told me to stop. So far it hasn’t.
- I’m still doing a lot of regular sports writing and whatnot. Of course, there’s the ROTC Podast, but I also now contribute to A Good Sports Hang. Check it out.
- I sometimes play music for a local high school. I started doing this last year, and it’s one of my favorite things in the world because I just like music. A lot.
- I’ve tried to make it a point to not be as attached to my phone these days. I don’t need to stare at the screen all the time. I just don’t. So I’m trying to be more aware of my surroundings. One of the biggest factors contributing to the mess I found myself in was disconnecting with the world around me and the people in my life and burying myself in other stuff. I’m working on that.
- Work is slow. I usually teach a few remedial math classes but this semester, the school didn’t have anything for me. Thankfully, a few other things have opened up. Along with that, I have plenty of free time, which can then be poured into these other little projects.
Balance is pretty fun, I suppose. Sometimes I miss those highs of motivation and inspiration, but rarely do I ever miss the lows. Though sometimes, those lows bring about some much needed perspective as well. This balance, well, sometimes feels stale. Like maybe some grand experience should be happening that isn’t. Or maybe some change of location or occupation or anything at all should be happening that isn’t. But it’s still a balance, and that’s supposed to be a good thing.
Are things going well? Not necessarily. I would like many things to change and sometimes I get so restless I still can’t sleep. That restlessness, though, can be motivation. It can be a good motivation to change my perspective, which ultimately I can still control when everything else is totally out of my hands. I had some big expectations out of life last year that eventually crushed things for me, then went ahead and crushed me. But things don’t have to be that way.
Expectations aren’t necessarily a bad thing (I’ve written about this before), but it greatly affects us when things don’t go as planned. So forget it. I think that life has more to offer me when I don’t put such expectations on it. The frustrating and depressing aspects of life aren’t quite as bad when you approach them with hope instead of expectation.
That’s what I’m trying to do this year: approach life with only hope and awe as to what it could bring. 2014 for me started at a redneck pool hall listening to a cover band play some Tom Petty. How I expected it to go? Not even close. But with a hopeful outlook, looking to enjoy and capture the uniqueness of all experiences, that moment can be just as great as ringing in the New Year in a grand way. All it takes is the right mindset. Helps to have people around who either have my back when I need it or are there to play video games and keep things simple when it’s necessary.
Mindset. I’m not 100% there yet. Not at all. I find a lot of motivation these days in restlessness and anger as opposed to the joy I maybe used to find in simply creating something. But that might the point. That might be the balance needed to create something really beautiful out of this life. We need some happiness and joy, but we also need pain, restlessness, and anger to make it all work well. Balance and perspective. Maybe that’s the key.
And who knows? Maybe with nothing but some hope and the truth of sola gratia, we can all make 2014 the best year ever.