The G(F)BOAT: Warmed Up Pizza

The Greatest Blog Of All Time is super friggin excited to announce the launch of The Greatest (Food) Blog Of All Time!

Now I know what you’re thinking: IT’S ABOUT TIME, MAN. This is a situation in which it’s crucial to have that comma there, otherwise, you’re talking about a superhero with a watch.

But you’re probably also thinking that there are a LOT of food blogs out there. Why should you consider this one? Well it’s simple: no other food blog will give you the raw connection and energy that you will get with The G(F)BOAT. Other food blogs will tell you how awesome the person making the food is. The G(F)BOAT? It will remind you how awesome YOU are for reading this food blog written by such an awesome person.

Excited? You SHOULD be. This sentence is in ITALICS.

Well let’s start this journey, children. The food won’t cook itself.

I hope, at least.

If you’re starting a food blog, you have to start with something that means something to you. Not just a meal. Everybody can tell you how to bake brownies. But unless those brownies have every bit of love your grandmother passed down along with her recipe, then they taste like a Sam’s Club sample (or Costco, if that’s your thing).

Nothing speaks to my soul more than the cold remains of a meal I probably ate two days earlier. It’s gritty and soulful, and also it was probably super cheap. The only problem?

It looks like THIS
It looks like THIS

Some people will tell you that the best way to eat this cardboard packed in cardboard is just like it is: cold. These are probably the same people who would tell you to drink a fine single malt scotch any way but neat. If you don’t drink scotch, then what I just said was, “These people CAN’T BE TRUSTED”

My first step when preparing this pizza is to remove it from the box and place it on a plate.

Preferably a clean one
Preferably a clean one

You’ll notice a problem here: clearly, those slices are Buddy Rich style flying off the handle. Don’t worry, Bobby McFerrin, I’ve got a simple solution and I ran out of musician analogies.

I call it the Staggered Technique.

Patent pending
Patent pending

With the pizza secured using the Staggered Technique, you may now place the pizza into an appropriately sized microwave.

Microwave by itself
Microwave by itself
Microwave with pizza inserted
Microwave with pizza inserted

You’ll notice that by using the staggered technique, you have given plenty of room for proper microwave rotation.

Scholars have debated for years the proper amount of time to warm up a pizza. I always start with one minute, then realize that I want it to hurt when I eat and typically triple that amount.

I highly recommend putting your face to the glass and staring as it spins
I also highly recommend putting your face to the glass and staring as it spins

You’ll have some free time while the pizza is simmering or whatever, so use this opportunity to prepare a beverage. On this particular day, I prepared a glass of a family recipe called “Iced Water”.

Don't worry, I'll gladly share it with you soon!
Don’t worry, I’ll gladly share it with you soon!

Also during the time the pizza is in the microwave, your roommates dog might come up and beg to go out into the backyard by dancing on her hind legs and clawing you until you’re pretty sure she’s about to rip the shirt off your body so you cave in and leave the kitchen for like TWELVE SECONDS and sure enough things go wrong.

I swear I don't even know how it happened, but it did
I swear I don’t even know how it happened, but it did

After you have properly warmed the pizza to a temperature in which you’re pretty sure bread will melt, you can remove it from the microwave. BE SURE to use the right safety precautions, especially having some profanity nearby in case you drop something.

Finally, the life will have returned to the pizza, making it look more like food and less like something that came from Fisher-Price.

So good, you're gonna want to eat it! Which is also good, cause that's its purpose! HAHA THIS JOKE WAS GREAT
So good, you’re gonna want to eat it! Which is also good, cause that’s its purpose! HAHA THIS JOKE WAS GREAT

The finishing touch, as is the finishing touch with ALL food items, is to add just one more z.

To the word “pizza”.

To make the word “pizzaz”.

Using some baby spinach as a garnish, but only because I didn't have any of the Garnish of the Gods: parsley
Using some baby spinach as a garnish, but only because I didn’t have any of the Garnish of the Gods: parsley

Will this pizza be as tasty as when you first bought it? Probably, since it cost $5. But will it make you a better person in the process? Absolutely. And what other food blog can make claims like that?

Have you tried this recipe yet? How did it go? What would you like to see next on The Greatest (Food) Blog Of All Time?


22 thoughts on “The G(F)BOAT: Warmed Up Pizza

  1. THIS IS GENIUS. The Joseph Craven, I’m not sure how I functioned before stumbling on to your new food blog. The promise of your family’s iced water recipe means I will definitely come back again. It’s like the dawn of a new era.

  2. I don’t know… it seems to me like heating up leftover pizza is like wasting 2 to 8 minutes of my life that could be spent shoving it into my mouth like a competitive eater.

    1. Well certainly. But imagine, if you will, how it would have turned out if Michelangelo was like, “Eh, I guess I can really hit a home run with these frescoes in the Sistine Chapel, but that would probably waste a few years, so I’m just gonna paint a dog or something.”

      Art takes time and effort. And yes, I’ll compare the frescoes of the Sistine Chapel with warmed up pizza any day.

  3. I disagree with this on a fundamental level.

    1) Cold pizza is the greatest. If it’s actually cold. Because it’s been in the fridge. Pizza that was left on the counter all night = gross.
    2) if you’re going to warm it up, toaster oven is the way to go. it heats the food evenly and remains crispy on the edges of the crust.

    OR if you are stuck with a microwave, you must microwave it on 50% heat and do it for longer, so that it heats evenly and the outer cheese isn’t more melted than the inner cheese and the bread isn’t super chewy.

    But whatever, I’m not the one with a food blog.

    1. 1. It’s a crime. It’s saying, “Hey, you know this thing that was just very purposefully baked for my enjoyment? I should purposefully undo a lot of that and put it in the fridge.” Very rarely is this acceptable, and I can’t understand people who feel that way.

      2. Not everyone can afford such luxuries.

  4. I think I may have sone something wrong, your directions were not clear enough for me, I am Canadian so maybe there was a translation error in american minutes to canadian minutes but my pizza got stuck in the ceiling fan. On a side note i tried to figure out the ice water recipe seeing as us Canadian’s know our ice… It looked to me like ice in a giant glass of vodka so thats what I tried, it might also explain why my pizza was in the ceiling fan….

    (sent here by the amazing Amanda B)

  5. You fancy yourself a food expert, but, alas, you are also a bigot, painting people with a single, broad brush. In fact, your bigotry is as strong as the previous metaphor is weak.

    There is more variety to people in the world than you care to admit.

    To summarize in food and drink terms that you understand….

    Pizza: cold
    Scotch: neat

    There is no argument in either case, and I CAN be trusted.

    I’m just trying to help you grow as a person. Not taller…as a person

  6. Don’t forget to rearrange between adding time, otherwise the middle will be cold. And you need to also pay attention to the edges. It’s like rotating tires.

    But usually someone will come into the break room and I feel bad adding time. Like I lied to them….sorry, it wasn’t really 45 seconds.

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