The G(F)BOAT: Warmed Up Pizza
The Greatest Blog Of All Time is super friggin excited to announce the launch of The Greatest (Food) Blog Of All Time!
Now I know what you’re thinking: IT’S ABOUT TIME, MAN. This is a situation in which it’s crucial to have that comma there, otherwise, you’re talking about a superhero with a watch.
But you’re probably also thinking that there are a LOT of food blogs out there. Why should you consider this one? Well it’s simple: no other food blog will give you the raw connection and energy that you will get with The G(F)BOAT. Other food blogs will tell you how awesome the person making the food is. The G(F)BOAT? It will remind you how awesome YOU are for reading this food blog written by such an awesome person.
Excited? You SHOULD be. This sentence is in ITALICS.
Well let’s start this journey, children. The food won’t cook itself.
I hope, at least.
If you’re starting a food blog, you have to start with something that means something to you. Not just a meal. Everybody can tell you how to bake brownies. But unless those brownies have every bit of love your grandmother passed down along with her recipe, then they taste like a Sam’s Club sample (or Costco, if that’s your thing).
Nothing speaks to my soul more than the cold remains of a meal I probably ate two days earlier. It’s gritty and soulful, and also it was probably super cheap. The only problem?
Some people will tell you that the best way to eat this cardboard packed in cardboard is just like it is: cold. These are probably the same people who would tell you to drink a fine single malt scotch any way but neat. If you don’t drink scotch, then what I just said was, “These people CAN’T BE TRUSTED”
My first step when preparing this pizza is to remove it from the box and place it on a plate.
You’ll notice a problem here: clearly, those slices are Buddy Rich style flying off the handle. Don’t worry, Bobby McFerrin, I’ve got a simple solution and I ran out of musician analogies.
I call it the Staggered Technique.
With the pizza secured using the Staggered Technique, you may now place the pizza into an appropriately sized microwave.
You’ll notice that by using the staggered technique, you have given plenty of room for proper microwave rotation.
Scholars have debated for years the proper amount of time to warm up a pizza. I always start with one minute, then realize that I want it to hurt when I eat and typically triple that amount.
You’ll have some free time while the pizza is simmering or whatever, so use this opportunity to prepare a beverage. On this particular day, I prepared a glass of a family recipe called “Iced Water”.
Also during the time the pizza is in the microwave, your roommates dog might come up and beg to go out into the backyard by dancing on her hind legs and clawing you until you’re pretty sure she’s about to rip the shirt off your body so you cave in and leave the kitchen for like TWELVE SECONDS and sure enough things go wrong.
After you have properly warmed the pizza to a temperature in which you’re pretty sure bread will melt, you can remove it from the microwave. BE SURE to use the right safety precautions, especially having some profanity nearby in case you drop something.
Finally, the life will have returned to the pizza, making it look more like food and less like something that came from Fisher-Price.
The finishing touch, as is the finishing touch with ALL food items, is to add just one more z.
To the word “pizza”.
To make the word “pizzaz”.
Will this pizza be as tasty as when you first bought it? Probably, since it cost $5. But will it make you a better person in the process? Absolutely. And what other food blog can make claims like that?
Have you tried this recipe yet? How did it go? What would you like to see next on The Greatest (Food) Blog Of All Time?