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Will You Be My Friend?

“If you can poke a friend on Facebook, you can poke a friend in real life.”

That’s my motto.

This idea stems from a universal rule, which simply states that if it can be done in the realm of Facebook, Twitter, and the Blogosphere, it should be done in real life as well. Instead of wasting all that valuable time trying to distinguish the lines between social media and real life, I’ve come up with a much simpler solution: completely blur whatever lines already exist.

Is there really any need to spend so much frivolous time worrying about which dimension of reality you’re in? I mean, if Google is going to turn me into a cyborg in the near future anyways, I might as well just embrace the fact that life is about to get real weird, and start easing myself into a lifestyle that resembles the next sci-fi flick starring the Governator.

Dear Google: Consider THIS as a possible prototype. You're welcome.

So as we look into the future of completely blending our internet lives with our real lives, here are some tips on how you can treat all of your friends – whether on Facebook, Twitter, or in person – exactly the same: 

1. Invite all of your family, friends, and neighbors to come over for a pet-picture viewing party.  

The pictures don’t have to be limited to pets- this is the time to bring out whatever pictures you’ve accumulated on your phone over the past week, and can include pics of your kid, your latest recipe, or your new Pinterest project.

2. When someone you’re with says something clever, repeat it out loud… verbatim.

If we have anything to learn from Twitter, it’s the importance of broadcasting to everyone around you that you recognize the quality of what someone else just said. This also shows that you’re proficient in quoting things- an oft-overlooked attribute. You are going to make lots of new friends this way.

3. Gather your friends together in a large group and poll them.

Don’t know how to do something? This is important: whatever you do- don’t read a book and/or conduct research. Groups of friends love giving professional advice – run with that.

Here’s an example: “Hey guys- I’ve gathered you here today because Susie and I have a serious dilemma: we’re looking for a place where we can get a killer plate of Pad Thai… any thoughts?”

4. Tell everyone you encounter about your projects.

Let’s put this into practice: the very next time you run into someone you know, instead of shaking hands or saying hello- go straight into plugging what’s important to you! There’s no time for small talk or catching up- the world needs to hear what you’re working on. Have you written somethingmade a video, or recorded a new song recently? Rest assured – all of your friends and fam would love to get in on this, and probably can’t wait to start spreading the word about all of your endeavors.

In summary, the rule to live by is this: would you do it via social media? If yes, then you should without a doubt do it in real life… especially if the action in question involves showing YouTube clips to strangers or asking a random acquaintance to guess what you’ve just drawn. I can practically see your real-life friend list growing as we speak.

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About Stephen

Still looking for my "truly original idea", or something completely unoriginal that I can pawn off as my own... either/or.

36 responses to “Will You Be My Friend?”

  1. Rob Shepherd says :

    This was fantastic! Amazing.

  2. Caleb McNary (@CalebMcNary) says :

    Hilarious as always, Stephen. I’m inspired to only speak to my coworkers in sentences of 140 characters or less today. This should get interesting

  3. Austin Gilly says :

    Hilarious. I love the idea. I also like using hashtags as a punchline. while watching rangers games, i’ll sometimes say (mostly to myself, i’ve lost all friends due to this) “Nice Pitch! hastag: rangers.” I think it’s funny.

  4. Robert Smith says :

    Make sure you invite people over to see what you are eating for dinner or what beverage you are enjoying. Don’t give them any, just make sure they know how great it tastes. Oh, and let’s not forget the fashion show. instead of taking pictures of yourself in the mirror, invite all your family and friends over to see your new outfit, tattoo, hair-do, etc.

  5. Larry The Deuce says :

    I would love to come over and hear what everyone had for breakfast and when they farted.

    • Stephen says :

      lol. You’re a trip, Larry. But seriously, I don’t know why we don’t do this. If it’s important to Tweet, obviously it’s important enough to gather a crowd around and announce in public.

  6. becomingcliche says :

    As it is, when I hear someone say something funny, I give them a thumbs up and say “Like!”

    • Stephen says :

      🙂 I kid you not- I wanted to include this in the post, but couldn’t find a way to say it as funny as you just did. Way to think, Heather.

  7. Ken Hagerman says :

    When someone says or creates something you identify with you just carry that person around and have them “Share” it with all of your friends too while you stand by and point at them.

  8. pats0 says :

    I also like to get everyone I know in a room and say to them “If you love Jesus you will repeat after me ‘I love Jesus’ ” then I go on to inform them that only about 1/3 of them will actually have the guts to do this, but that’s okay because it will help to know who my true freinds are

    • Stephen says :

      🙂 Crackin’ me up… oh, man. “then I go on to inform them that only about 1/3 of them will actually have the guts to do this”. You are a trip.

  9. Mandie Marie says :

    My mother and I do this already. She tweeted at me this morning while we were in the same room.

  10. Jason Vana says :

    I’m going to start carrying post it notes with me that have “with Jason” written on them and then tag my friends with whenever we’re doing something together and then tell strangers that I’m having a cookout and this person is there and that person is there.

  11. Wild Bill says :

    I like to yell out HASHTAG anytime I say a phrase or speak a word that could be searched for.

  12. Eileen Knowles (@cupojoegirl) says :

    I missed this one last week. Thanks for the laugh!

  13. Loren Pinilis says :

    My pet picture viewing party invititation is in the mail. See you Saturday from 8:00 AM to 9:00 PM.

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