History, like any good fishing story, gets more and more misremembered over time.

The Trojan War was largely assumed to just be a myth for years, then somebody stumbled across the ruins of the city. Now because of that and Brad Pitt, people just assume the Trojan Horse was a real thing as well, despite any actual proof of this existing. This just goes to prove that history is most often determined by gorgeous men in skirts.

Because of this, it’s easy to understand that many people with major historical influence get overlooked due to being fat and unmarketable. One man with plenty of reason to be angry at history is William Dawes.

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In the immense history of human disasters and failures, the story of the RMS Titanic stands alone as the one that has made James Cameron the most money.

But in the midst of all the Hollywood hype, it is easy to forget the simple truth behind the Titanic: it’s a story full of poor planning and complete oversight, set in a magical time where boats seemed to constantly be sinking.

This was the 1910s, when everyone just did stuff because they could.

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Marathons were invented by people who needed something new to brag about on the back of their cars.

After a while, talking about your honor student and how much you love your dog just doesn’t cut it anymore. So somebody decided that running 26 miles without dying was worth bragging about and invented stickers for that, too.

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As people get older, they grow in many cognitive areas. Their logical reasoning becomes much sharper, their decision making becomes better, and they (typically) become more mature. Relationships also typically become more advanced, as there is more importance and permanence in an adult relationship than there is in the relationship involving 14 year olds.

However, not every area in relationships grow up. Sadly, society never came up with a better, more practical term for the beginning stages of infatuation and interest. Sure, both “infatuation” and “interest” can be used, but the first sounds like something a serial killer would say and the second sounds like a business move.

Therefore, society stuck with the term “crush”, and therefore failed every single person old enough to drive a car.

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Imagine taking Pac-man noises, adding broken bass noises to them, then extending them for several minutes, and you’ve got Dubstep music.

Like other great musical accomplishments as M.I.A. and the Gallagher brothers, Dubstep is a British creation. Dating back to the late 90’s, Dubstep is defined as “tightly coiled productions with overwhelming bass lines and reverberant drum patterns, clipped samples, and occasional vocals” which basically breaks down into “the musical equivalent of an earthquake”.

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Jeff Winger claims that what separates humans from animals is that we are the only ones who observe Shark Week. This is partially true. Animals do not observe special weeks in which they stare at other animals. No shark is going to have Human Week. But it’s not the whole truth.

This is what that idea gets correct: human beings celebrate things, and no other animal does. When a baby bird first flies, the parents don’t pull out the bird camcorder to preserve that moment for their nest movies. The parents just acknowledge that this is essential for their survival.

When a baby human first walks, however, parents act like their child has discovered the cure for cancer. It doesn’t occur to them that most every other person on the planet can accomplish this same feat. It never occurs that this actions is simply essential for survival.

And that is what separates humans from animals: humans celebrate not dying yet.

Continue reading “Birthdays”