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The GAOAT: All Adventures Start With Tutorials And Unions

It was a bright, lovely day in a world not all that ACTUALLY it’s a world that’s super drastically different than our own. Like, absurdly so. Where cat people shoot fireballs out of their hands and stuff. And the term “adventure” is thrown around wildly. And the common form of transportation happens to be jumping on the back of a giant bird.

Yeah, totally normal and cool just don't worry about it or ask any questions

Yeah, totally normal and cool just don’t worry about it or ask any questions

Regardless, it was a bright and lovely day in the desert world, where cacti grew to the size of mountains.

Or maybe it's a world where silos were made to look like cacti. Either way.

Or maybe it’s a world where silos were made to look like cacti. Either way.

It’s in this world that a mysterious man wandered in one day. He had no backstory. He had no history of any note. He was simply a man with the most basic of desires: to travel the world, punching stuff.

His name was Bob Costas, and this is his story.

Oh wait, not story. This is his adventure. My mistake. I forgot the proper terminology.

Oh wait, not story. This is his adventure. My mistake. I forgot the proper terminology.

Bob arrived in this strange and mysterious land via a carriage owned by a creepy Owen Wilson character who brought up the concept of adventuring repeatedly for basically not reason whatsoever.

Creepy Owen Wilson’s advice to Bob Costas was to venture into the gigantic city they had just arrived at and to throw the term “adventure” around until somebody pointed him in the right direction.

And this was all that Owen Wilson had to offer Bob Costas. He quickly disappeared and was never heard from again. It's assumed he adventured his way into a bar and threw back an adventure or two. Thanks, creepy Owen Wilson, for all your guidance.

And this was all that Owen Wilson had to offer Bob Costas. He quickly disappeared and was never heard from again. It’s assumed he adventured his way into a bar and threw back an adventure or two. Thanks, creepy Owen Wilson, for all your guidance.

Bob was confused by creepy Owen Wilson’s advice, but more so worried about the fact that the only friend he had made in this world rendered out after a loading screen and was gone. Bob was alone in a big scary desert world, with nobody to tell him where he could find something to punch.

Since he couldn’t punch his mode of transportation and Creepy Owen Wilson had been removed by a loading screen, Bob ventured into the city of Ul’dah, a city with an entire economic system based upon the concept of adventuring.

Lost, friendless, and punch-thirsty, Bob entered the gates, ready to greet whatever the city threw at him with his fists. Not five seconds after entering the city, Bob heard a strange voice call out to him.

It's a world with giant birds, living cacti, and the ability to shoot fireballs, yet the strangest thing is how often they talk about adventures

It’s a world with giant birds, living cacti, and the ability to shoot fireballs, yet the strangest thing is how often they talk about adventures

Much to Bob’s surprise, the man who greeted him was none other than Young Bob Dylan!

 

The adventures, they are a-changin'

The adventures, they are a-changin’

Our hero was shocked to see Dylan wandering around the city.

ADVENTURE SHOCKED

ADVENTURE SHOCKED

As it turns out, our hero didn’t even have to utter the word “adventure” in this city. Adventure ruled everything that happened so much so that random strangers were bringing up the matter without any sort of prompting. At all. It was a little strange.

Stranger than that, however, was the information Young Bob Dylan shared with our hero. Apparently, not only were adventures all anybody cared about in Ul’dah, they were so prominent that there was an actual Adventurers Guild where anyone who wanted to adventure had to dramatically and adventurously register themselves.

Like, literally you can't do anything at all in this game without first registering with the Adventurer's Guild (Union)

Like, literally you can’t do anything at all in this game without first registering with the Adventurer’s Guild (Union)

Bob Costas was grateful for the information, as it would put him one step closer to his dream of punching the world. That, and Young Bob Dylan was showing an odd amount of concern for somebody that he didn’t know and had pulled off to the side unprovoked just to chat with.

Yeah cause I'm sure somebody is going to want to mug a 7 foot tall punch machine

Yeah cause I’m sure somebody is going to want to mug a 7 foot tall punch machine

Bob Costas entered The Quicksand, a bar which doubled as the headquarters of all adventurers. It was here that he discovered that literally any resident of the city would speak their mind to you even if you didn’t know them or care what they had to say.

Alcoholism: The Greatest Adventure Of Them All

Alcoholism: The Greatest Adventure Of Them All

Bob was greeted by a tiny rodent thing named Momodi, who once again reminded him how the city of Ul’dah operates.

Well yeah I would assume so since nobody would even let me walk anywhere else

Well yeah I would assume so since nobody would even let me walk anywhere else

While explaining the basics of how the Adventurers Union/Guild worked, Momodi needlessly went off on some backstory about….something. Not really sure.

cool alright

cool alright what am i even looking at?

 

alright great backstory can i punch something yet or are you still talking?

alright great backstory can i punch something yet or are you still talking?

i don't even know who you're talking about or what that even means please stop talking

i don’t even know who you’re talking about or what that even means please stop talking

Eventually, all that backstory made Momodi sad.

 

Let's just punch the sadness right out of you

Let’s just punch the sadness right out of you

At that moment, there was a commotion in The Quicksand. A civilian was being harassed by some sort of evil tiny rodent guy who looked like he belonged on a pizza box! Bob Costas knew that this was his moment. This was what his life had been building up to: the chance to unleash his punches of fury upon the planet and become exactly who he was meant to be!

 

A highly punchable face

A highly punchable face

However, Bob Costas couldn’t spring into action against Baron Von Pizza Box because Momodi wouldn’t stop running her mouth.

2014-06-02_2332

okay great so adventuring is all about community service hey look i gotta go punch this guy over here….

2014-06-02_2332_001

yeah alright so i’m registered, right? can i go administer the justice you were telling me about yet keeping me from doing?

By the time Momodi was done talking for seriously longer than anyone ever should, Baron Von Pizza Box was gone. Bob Costas was officially a member of the Adventurers Union and was free to go

AH what is happening? Why did this interrupt me? Can....can I go now?

AH what is happening? Why did this interrupt me? Why do I have the option to decline completing this task? Can….can I go now?

Anyway, Bob Costas, the Man Who Would Punch The World, had a new purpose to his life. A very organized, unionized purpose that had been forced upon him by Creepy Owen Wilson, Young Bob Dylan, and this weird Momodi creature. A purpose that he literally couldn’t escape from because he wasn’t allowed to go anywhere until he faced it.

But he had faced it. He stared directly into the blazing Ul’dah sun and resolved to punch the world in the name of justice and apparently adventuring.

It was a very dramatic moment

It was a very dramatic moment

And with his newfound resolve, our hero Bob Costas set out to finally punch like he was made to punch. He set out to

WHAT? NO I ALREADY DID THIS WHHHYYYYYYY

WHAT? NO I ALREADY DID THIS WHHHYYYYYYY

Oh well, maybe later.

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About The Joseph Craven

I'm tall, but not so tall that people point and stare.

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