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I Don’t Eat Fresh

I really hate Subway. Well, I think I do.

My major dilemma is that I like to keep my sandwiches simple. Of course, that’s the easy cop-out to admitting that I’m a picky eater. I’m much less picky than I used to be, that’s for sure, but I still can’t bring myself to enjoy lettuce or tomato. And the longer I live, the more I realize that lettuce and tomato are often the most necessary accessories on a sandwich.

Because of this, I learned to really enjoy sandwiches that don’t require lettuce or tomato. You know, like a Cuban or a nice pastrami on rye. All you really need on then is some mustard. It’s simple. Which maybe really is my reasoning behind things. Or maybe my denial of being a picky eater is so strong that I’ve convinced myself that simplicity is the reason.

Of course, the problem is that Subway doesn’t exactly have any sandwiches that are simple. In fact, they really encourage you to complicate things. You are encouraged by the usually depressed sandwich artist to throw as much Siracha and banana peppers and spinach on it as you can. And of course lettuce and tomato. But I don’t like lettuce and tomato. I like onions. And salt. Salt is good. But if all you ask them to add is salt, then you end up with enough on your sandwich to make Lot’s wife turn away.

Subway makes me feel more self-conscious than anywhere else in the world. And it’s because when I walk in and just want a simple sandwich, I get funny looks. The typically depressed sandwich artist almost always seems to want more work to do, and they have to ask you why you don’t want them to put more stuff on your sandwich. Sometimes I just want a plain sandwich. Something not too complicated.

So if I could avoid Subway, I probably would. Problem is, the school where I work is in a tiny town that really only has a Sonic and a Subway as lunch options. And I don’t care what the commercials say, nobody goes to Sonic for anything but a drink. Much to my shame, I have to frequently visit Subway and the typically depressed sandwich artists for sandwiches that are much more complicated than I want.

In fact, in moments of weakness, I will often order things on my sandwiches that I don’t want just to avoid the funny looks. I’m not proud of it. In moments of greater weakness, I will order a meatball sub just because it is the simplest sandwich offered, even though in my deepest core I really hate that sandwich. It’ll kill me someday. You guys will find my lifeless corpse next to a have eaten meatball sub and a note of shame referred to as the receipt.

I would avoid Subway if I could. Probably, at least. But I’m forced to love it. Or I’m forced to love/hate it.

I guess that’s life, though. Things could be more enjoyable if they were simpler, but we get funny looks when we want something simpler. Maybe I don’t want a grand blogging platform or better SEO or some abstract nonsense like that. Maybe I just want to go to the coffee shop in my neighborhood and write with my music playing and my friends around me because I enjoy being there. And maybe the people there won’t ask questions about why I want things to be simpler. I just do.

But all too often, I’m looked at funny because I want simpler instead of grander. Our world is busy busy busy and rushing rushing rushing and stress stress stress and it’s stupid when somebody doesn’t want that. Somebody doesn’t fit our American Internet lifestyle and therefore they are funny and we look at them funny.

I don’t want to be looked at funny. I don’t want to stand out that much. So I’ll put the simple life aside, if that’s what you want. I can live for whatever it is you want me to live for. That’s cool. I guess I want you to like me. At the very least, I don’t want you to look at me funny.

So forget the simplicity. If it makes you happy, I’ll take the lettuce and tomato I don’t enjoy. If it is the way life is supposed to be, I’ll do it with a bigger smile than the depressed sandwich artist who made it for me. I’ll do it all. Just for you.

I really hate it, though.

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About The Joseph Craven

I'm tall, but not so tall that people point and stare.

2 responses to “I Don’t Eat Fresh”

  1. mscotter83 says :

    It for that reason that I get salt and pepper on my sub. For some reason when I say “all I want is salt and pepper on it” they accept that more than “nothing else” as if they have to garnish the meat and cheese in some way.

    I find it annoying when they remark “you could make this at home” which is untrue because Sysco doesn’t stock my fridge. But the best retort I’ve come up with for that is “no cause then I’d have to go to Kroger.”

    I’ve found that the Subway on High St. is very understanding of the Picky population.

  2. Ricky Anderson says :

    I love Subway but get overwhelmed, too. The thing I don’t understand is why I can’t order a sandwich that’s pictured. I try to order a sweet onion chicken teriyaki sandwich and they want to know what I want on it. I say “that”, while pointing to the picture. Then they proceed to ask what I want on it so I go get a pizza instead.

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