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Toilets

Face it: sometimes, your body just HAS to get rid of stuff. It’s not pretty, but it’s true. Most of the time it’s natural. Sometimes….it needs to do so because that stuff shouldn’t be there in the first place.

And where do you turn when this happens? A toilet.

The friendliest place on earth

The toilet is the least respected household appliance. It has such a thankless job. This is particularly bizarre, as it also has such an incredibly useful job. Possibly the most useful of any appliance. Everybody loves refrigerators, and all they do is keep things cold. That’s all. Yet people love and respect them, though what they do isn’t spectacular. People don’t even like other people who keep things cold.

And blenders? Blenders aren’t special. They’re just really fast knives.

Note to self: start a new brand of blenders. Call them "Really Fast Knives"

You may ask: “But what is so spectacular about a toilet?” Consider the very concept:

You need to dispose of something. It is something you have no desire to touch, nor would you even like to look at it. It is something that you need gone, and QUICKLY. So what do you do? Drop it in one receptacle and pull a lever. That’s it. So simple. Just like that, it is completely removed from your house.

Septic tanks don't count, no matter how many ducks are included

It’s remarkable, really. Yet so under-appreciated. But that’s how society works. Cell phones had to get smaller and faster, then bigger and more powerful, all in the span of 5 years.

People aren’t satisfied with being able to fly. That’s not impressive anymore. Now they need jets that break speed records and can fly across oceans in no time at all.

The glamor fades very quickly.

BOOOOOORIIIIIIIING

If toilets could talk, that would be terrifying.

"LET'S BE FRIENDS"

But aside from that completely unnatural event, you can imagine that toilets would have crazy stories to tell. War stories, really. And we would listen.

Why? Well, why not? We are already entertained by tales of stupid things people do. We have entire websites devoted to things like drunk texting and people failing.

We are entertained by disasters, which means that we suck as a society.

Hysterical!

But what else would toilets say? Much like a good, caring friend, they would say that they were ready and willing to help. They would say, “Hey, give me your crap. I’ll take care of it for you. I’ll take care of it quickly, and take it far away form you.”

And like a well-crafted poop joke, how can that not be enjoyed?

But much like that good, caring friend, toilets just don’t get the appreciation they should. They get neglected. Only paid attention to when needed. Put in a back room, away from attention. Otherwise treated like they don’t really matter.

It’s a thankless job. So do the right thing, and give your toilet a hug today.

Figuratively, guys. Figuratively.

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About The Joseph Craven

I'm tall, but not so tall that people point and stare.

17 responses to “Toilets”

  1. Burrill Strong (@sgtwolverine) says :

    Is that ENGROSSING septic tank diagram your work, or is that courtesy of the amazing internet?

  2. Mandie Marie says :

    Thank you for writing from the bowels of your heart today, Craven.

  3. Tracy Craven says :

    Tornadoes can be very entertaining depending on the situation 🙂

  4. Peter says :

    That post just really took a load off me!

  5. Stephen Haggerty says :

    An old dude told me one time that when indoor plumbing came out it caused quite the commotion. People thought toilets didn’t have the “right” to live indoors. I’m just glad that sort of prejudice doesn’t exist today.

  6. G Fresh says :

    Don’t be shy sir, tell us how you really feel. #DYSWIDT #Subtle

  7. TMZ says :

    After reading all the comments, I just want to leave a generic one here and see what kind of puntasticly poopy reply you leave me.

  8. G Fresh says :

    So do you think the Browns will make it to the Super Bowl?

  9. Peter says :

    Did you hear that diarrhea is hereditary? Turns out it runs in the jeans….

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