Hamburgers and Friendship Applications

Today, my friend Chadwick Harman has written a guest post for me. Chad studies at the University I work at, and our friendship is….complicated.

You know what? I’ll let him explain:

Has this ever happened to you?

It’s 10:56 on a Saturday night. You have nothing to do except play video games or watch a rerun of all the Harry Potter movies on ABC Family. Sure, both sound appealing; however, you’d rather kill virtual people yourself than watch Harry do what it is Harry does. So you rummage through all your games that you keep poorly organized. Nothing. Not a single game. You would play Call of Duty, but you’re too good for that. After all the only people who are up to play it right now are annoying little kids and people who “No hable Ingles.” So Harry Potter it is.

You turn on the tube and attempt to turn the channel, but the batteries are dead so you have to get up and turn the channel your self. So you’re finally on ABC family and of course it’s a commercial. You wonder why you didn’t just claw your eyes out looking at the ceiling waiting for the sweet release of sleep to find you when…

… A picture of the most delicious looking burger comes on the screen, followed closely by a commercial for the ever popular burger joint just down the road that’s open 24 hours a day. That’s when it hits you; like a bad case of Disney Channel programming.

You get your car keys, you head out the door, you get in the car, and then it dawns on you, ever so slowly. “I’m going alone.”

This is the point where we jump out of the 2nd person narrative. Some of you are relieved because I was about to describe in detail your Saturday late night story. You know, the one about how you’re the creeper who sits by yourself in the corner, or just goes through the drive through? Both of the options are boring and totally unsatisfactory for an extrovert as myself.

*Note: Any introvert reading at this point can safely assume this ENTIRE post is NOT for you.

Needless to say if you’ve ever found yourself in the situation above, and are like me, an extravert, then you’ve probably gone to call a friend or two to go out with you. And if you have friends like mine who like to sleep decent hours then you probably heard the words “NO, NOW GET OF THE FREAKING PHONE AND LET ME GO TO BED” screamed at you from your sleep deprived colleague.

You should note by now that I have demoted my “friend” to the rank of colleague. No true friend would ever let his/her friend go to a 24 hours restaurant alone. I mean just think of the last time you went to Waffle House (past 11) and saw someone sitting alone. Inevitably they were talking themselves and uttering something about how Nixon showed up to their house last night and warned them of a coming alien invasion.

I’ll be redundant: no friend would do that.

Yet somehow in the American culture we have developed this idea of friendship. Mainly one that friendship is based off of loving a fellow human being in away that would lend to some sort of limited affection and allow for two people to be in some sort of contact with each other for some sort of time. This overly expressed yet still vague definition of friendship might be just that, but it tells of the deeper issues that threaten the vary foundations of the world we live in. If we base our friendships off
of love and affection and all the stuff our friendships will crumble to the ground! However, there is a way to fight this.

I will use a personal example. There is a man who runs and operates the greatest blog of all time. I’m being quite literal there. In fact, it’s the one I’M POSTING ON RIGHT NOW. I know, no way, right?

This man, who I will leave unnamed, and I were acquaintances due to a colleague between us. After meeting this man, I begin to strike up awkward conversation. To my knowledge this was successful in building a friendship between the two of us. We talked paintings, music, and the stuff of legends. Heck! I even confided in him my dream to make video games. By all accounts this man was my friend.

Until one faithful day.

I tried to make conversation with him, yet he ignored me. A tad frustrated I backed off thinking our relationship was just hitting an iceberg, (I told you happened just like the Titanic, except for the fact that we were just two random passengers he got killed by the propellers). I figured we would crawl into metaphorical lifeboats and go our separate ways until life brought us together again.

When I finally got the nerve to ask him what was going on he simply said, “I need for you to re-submit your friendship application.”

Wait what? Friendship application? The heck was that? And forget all that stuff, what did he mean by re-submit? Was that the 25 sheet document he e-mailed to me two days after we met? It did ask for my signature… in blood.

Suddenly it all made sense to me, much like the end of O Brother Where Art Though when I found out that it was actually NOTHING like the Odyssey.

So me, being the bigger man and valuing the friendship we had (rather the friendship that I apparently signed for that forced me to renew our contract every 6 months for the next two years), decided it would be best if I just revisited the documents and signed again.

That’s when I discovered the genius in his plan. Why not make all my friends sign contracts and force them by obligation of law to go eat with me at midnight when I had nothing else to do? Why not have a paper to hold over their head? Why not OWN them?

I write to this 1182 word long blog post to tell you this. I am making friendship agreements/applications for anyone who would like to have them. They will be available in .PDF or even a .DOC if you would like to edit it yourself.

This system, if used correctly, could revolutionize friendship so that they will work out for you and the greater good of humanity.

So please America, please, please, please do not vote for Barack Obama to a second term in office.

Oh! And use these forms too, it’s bound to make you seem more selfish, but just remember, the friends you do have will be legally obligated to give you a massage every 30 minutes!

What terms would YOUR Friendship Application include?