The Internet Box is a funny place. It allows people to connect with complete strangers using only the power OF WORDS. Sometimes, those words are used in really, really funny ways. And sometimes, internet friendships are formed.
That’s what happened between me and the Quintus Horatius Flaccus of our generation, Knox McCoy. We bonded through the unique fraternity that is “Dudes who go by their middle names and oh yeah also frequently rock the short beard“. He allowed me to once write something really, really dumb for him. I’m sure he has learned his lesson.
Though he will never publicly admit to knowing who I am, I believe that we are now Internet Best Friends.
Knox has a gift. He has the ability to take something that makes no sense to most normal people, and translate it into sarcastic prose. In the same way that Bill Nye could explain science to people, Knox works his magic with The Bachelor/ette.
Recently, Knox released his book Jesus and The Bachelorette. Yes, he’s serious about this concept. And I gotta be honest, he’s got me sold.
I had an opportunity to sit down and interview Knox recently. This means I sent him an email.
Now allow me to introduce you to my Internet Best Friend (it’s in writing, so you can’t fight it!), Knox McCoy:
1. Thanks for joining us. Tell the kids at home a little bit about yourself. But do so UFC Tale of the Tape style. I want to know your reach.
First things first, I need a Hype Man to jump around and pump me up to the crowd. Interested? Rep yo self to my email.
Height: A surly 6’0”
Reach: To Infinity and Beyond. Sorry. That was stupid. I don’t know reach. One time, in college, my roommate suckerpunched me in the ear because I was sitting in his chair. Once I gathered myself, I punched him twice in the forehead and stuffed him in the opening under his desk where you push your chair in. I thought, given the purpose of the fight, doing that would be ironic.
2. To start, how did you learn to write so good, and how long you been doin’ it?
I’ve always loved writing, but we broke up after my sophomore English teacher called me a joke in front of my classmates. I started blogging sparsely after my son was born so our extended family could keep up with him and naturally that led to my voluminous recaps of The Bachelor/ette. I really started focusing on “blogging” just under a year ago after I recovered from meningitis. I was like, “God, if you cure me from meningitis, I promise I’ll blog more.”
And God was like, “That’s really not a thing for me. There’s other things that are more important.”
And I was like, “What if I blog more anyway?”
And He was like, “If I say yes, will you drop it?.”
And that’s the rest of the story.
3. Once, I saw an ad on the side of Facebook that said “Get that ripped summer bod!” but had a picture of Edward Norton from American History X with it. Look, I know he was JACKED in that movie, but he still wasn’t a character I want to emulate.
Anyway, I know you love a good picture fail. What’s the worst you’ve ever seen?
Look. Let’s go back to the Edward Norton thing. It’s our generation’s Loch Ness Monster. He looked as unreal in that movie as Edward Furlong looked pansexual and you know what? Good on both of them. No judgment here, but I do demand one thing: I want full disclosure of how the actor/tress attains that kind of physique. If it was HGH, growth hormones, bull testes extract or ovary juice, I don’t care. I just want to know HOW. I’m not taking anything away from you because you still had to do the work to get all swoll and stuff. But have the decency to be up front about the how.
Picture Fail? My favorites are anything where government officials get moded.
4. What non-domestic animal would you want to have as a pet, and why?
Easy. Raptor and I’d string a clothes line the length of the property and have races where entrants have to race rotisserie chickens down the line while the raptor would evict them off the line. Last rotisserie chicken standing would win cash money. See, if you are going to have a non-domestic animal, it needs to make you money. My father taught me that.
5. Serious question: What’s the most beautiful song you’ve ever heard?
I really like Wedding Dress by Derek Webb. He’s a Christian and in the song he calls himself a whore. And you know what? It works because a lot of Christians are whores. Whores aren’t just around sex. It’s all about selling your dignity out for prosperity and I know about infinity Christians like that (self-included).
Additionally, The soundtrack from The Assassination of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford is pretty tremendous. Listen to Song for Jesse and tell me it isn’t crazy good. I dare you.
6. I’m a single dude. That means that I spend all my time smoking fat cigars, growing massive beards, and grunting. Therefore, I don’t understand the Bachelorette, nor why you satirize it (which you do oh-so-well). Explain that a bit.
Because it’s sooooo condescending and retarded.
Imagine watching a bunch of cows prancing around in a prairie and trying to act out scenes from the Gilmore Girls. THAT is how close the show is to actually facilitating romantic love.
They’re all like, “You guys, we are here for the most pure and noble reasons. We are GOOD people and we count love as the greatest virtue of virtues.” Then, they go on an international reality show trip where people convince themselves that they can be in love forever after 2-hours at a farmer’s market in Phuket. Decency BEGS us to make fun of them. I’m like Batman in that way. I’m just responding to society’s call.
7. Okay, so at this point, you probably want to plug your book or WHATEVER.
Jesus and The Bachelorette. It compares Christian stuff to the show and discusses the shortcomings of both and how we (Christians) are sometimes just as ridiculous as the Slappy McSlaps on the show.
Also? I’m currently working on a serial novel about a family trying to survive in a zombie apocalypse. The idea is to publish a chapter every 2 weeks and see what happens. That’s breaking news, Bro Montana.
8. Side note: are you familiar with the absolutely terrible CMT rip-off of the Bachelorette named Sweet Home Alabama? Specifically, the former contestant Tripp Davis? He goes to church with a bunch of my friends. You should try to contact him and ask him about what it’s like to be on one of those shows.
This wasn’t really a question, was it?
Boom. Now it is.
I’m not familiar, but I’ve heard good things. If it’s like The Bachelor/ette but turn up the hillbilly and turn down the city slicker, I’m so down.
9. What do you want on your Tombstone? I’ll TOTALLY accept answers about pizza toppings.
Listen, I just discovered Calzones. Can I tell you what I want on my calzones? Meat products. If it’s meat, ME WANT. The standard is a calzone with ground beef, Italian sausage, and pepperoni after which I run to New Mexico and back so I don’t drop dead like Michael Corleone on his chair at the end of Godfather 3. Oops. SPOILER!
10. Finally, was this the worst interview you’ve ever been a part of/seen in your life?
Would you believe me if I say that this was my first interview? I don’t get a lot of requests. It’s probably the Edward Norton rants, isn’t it?
Just go ahead and do yourself a favor, as an AMERICAN, and check out Knox McCoy’s website, his book (you can read an excerpt here!) and also follow him on Twitter. It’ll be either the second or third best decision you make today.
What’s your favorite TV show on right now?