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Jesus and The Bachelorette

The Internet Box is a funny place. It allows people to connect with complete strangers using only the power OF WORDS. Sometimes, those words are used in really, really funny ways. And sometimes, internet friendships are formed.

That’s what happened between me and the Quintus Horatius Flaccus of our generation, Knox McCoy. We bonded through the unique fraternity that is “Dudes who go by their middle names and oh yeah also frequently rock the short beard“. He allowed me to once write something really, really dumb for him. I’m sure he has learned his lesson.

Though he will never publicly admit to knowing who I am, I believe that we are now Internet Best Friends.

Knox has a gift. He has the ability to take something that makes no sense to most normal people, and translate it into sarcastic prose. In the same way that Bill Nye could explain science to people, Knox works his magic with The Bachelor/ette.

Recently, Knox released his book Jesus and The Bachelorette. Yes, he’s serious about this concept. And I gotta be honest, he’s got me sold.

I had an opportunity to sit down and interview Knox recently. This means I sent him an email.

Now allow me to introduce you to my Internet Best Friend (it’s in writing, so you can’t fight it!), Knox McCoy:

1. Thanks for joining us. Tell the kids at home a little bit about yourself. But do so UFC Tale of the Tape style. I want to know your reach.

First things first, I need a Hype Man to jump around and pump me up to the crowd. Interested? Rep yo self to my email.

Age: 28

Height: A surly 6’0”

Weight: 210

Reach: To Infinity and Beyond. Sorry. That was stupid. I don’t know reach. One time, in college, my roommate suckerpunched me in the ear because I was sitting in his chair. Once I gathered myself, I punched him twice in the forehead and stuffed him in the opening under his desk where you push your chair in. I thought, given the purpose of the fight, doing that would be ironic.

2.  To start, how did you learn to write so good, and how long you been doin’ it?

Good? Debatable.

I’ve always loved writing, but we broke up after my sophomore English teacher called me a joke in front of my classmates. I started blogging sparsely after my son was born so our extended family could keep up with him and naturally that led to my voluminous recaps of The Bachelor/ette. I really started focusing on “blogging” just under a year ago after I recovered from meningitis. I was like, “God, if you cure me from meningitis, I promise I’ll blog more.”

And God was like, “That’s really not a thing for me. There’s other things that are more important.”

And I was like, “What if I blog more anyway?”

And He was like, “If I say yes, will you drop it?.”

And that’s the rest of the story.

3. Once, I saw an ad on the side of Facebook that said “Get that ripped summer bod!” but had a picture of Edward Norton from American History X with it. Look, I know he was JACKED in that movie, but he still wasn’t a character I want to emulate.

Anyway, I know you love a good picture fail. What’s the worst you’ve ever seen?

Look. Let’s go back to the Edward Norton thing. It’s our generation’s Loch Ness Monster. He looked as unreal in that movie as Edward Furlong looked pansexual and you know what? Good on both of them. No judgment here, but I do demand one thing: I want full disclosure of how the actor/tress attains that kind of physique. If it was HGH, growth hormones, bull testes extract or ovary juice, I don’t care. I just want to know HOW. I’m not taking anything away from you because you still had to do the work to get all swoll and stuff. But have the decency to be up front about the how.

Picture Fail? My favorites are anything where government officials get moded.

4. What non-domestic animal would you want to have as a pet, and why?

Easy. Raptor and I’d string a clothes line the length of the property and have races where entrants have to race rotisserie chickens down the line while the raptor would evict them off the line. Last rotisserie chicken standing would win cash money. See, if you are going to have a non-domestic animal, it needs to make you money. My father taught me that.

5. Serious question: What’s the most beautiful song you’ve ever heard?

I really like Wedding Dress by Derek Webb. He’s a Christian and in the song he calls himself a whore. And you know what? It works because a lot of Christians are whores. Whores aren’t just around sex. It’s all about selling your dignity out for prosperity and I know about infinity Christians like that (self-included).

Additionally, The soundtrack from The Assassination of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford is pretty tremendous. Listen to Song for Jesse and tell me it isn’t crazy good. I dare you.

6. I’m a single dude. That means that I spend all my time smoking fat cigars, growing massive beards, and grunting. Therefore, I don’t understand the Bachelorette, nor why you satirize it (which you do oh-so-well). Explain that a bit.

Because it’s sooooo condescending and retarded.

Imagine watching a bunch of cows prancing around in a prairie and trying to act out scenes from the Gilmore Girls. THAT is how close the show is to actually facilitating romantic love.

They’re all like, “You guys, we are here for the most pure and noble reasons. We are GOOD people and we count love as the greatest virtue of virtues.” Then, they go on an international reality show trip where people convince themselves that they can be in love forever after 2-hours at a farmer’s market in Phuket. Decency BEGS us to make fun of them. I’m like Batman in that way. I’m just responding to society’s call.

7. Okay, so at this point, you probably want to plug your book or WHATEVER.

Jesus and The Bachelorette. It compares Christian stuff to the show and discusses the shortcomings of both and how we (Christians) are sometimes just as ridiculous as the Slappy McSlaps on the show.

Also? I’m currently working on a serial novel about a family trying to survive in a zombie apocalypse. The idea is to publish a chapter every 2 weeks and see what happens. That’s breaking news, Bro Montana.

8. Side note: are you familiar with the absolutely terrible CMT rip-off of the Bachelorette named Sweet Home Alabama? Specifically, the former contestant Tripp Davis? He goes to church with a bunch of my friends. You should try to contact him and ask him about what it’s like to be on one of those shows.

This wasn’t really a question, was it?

Boom. Now it is.

I’m not familiar, but I’ve heard good things. If it’s like The Bachelor/ette but turn up the hillbilly and turn down the city slicker, I’m so down.

9. What do you want on your Tombstone? I’ll TOTALLY accept answers about pizza toppings.

Listen, I just discovered Calzones. Can I tell you what I want on my calzones? Meat products. If it’s meat, ME WANT. The standard is a calzone with ground beef, Italian sausage, and pepperoni after which I run to New Mexico and back so I don’t drop dead like Michael Corleone on his chair at the end of Godfather 3. Oops. SPOILER!

10. Finally, was this the worst interview you’ve ever been a part of/seen in your life?

Would you believe me if I say that this was my first interview? I don’t get a lot of requests. It’s probably the Edward Norton rants, isn’t it?

Just go ahead and do yourself a favor, as an AMERICAN, and check out Knox McCoy’s website, his book (you can read an excerpt here!) and also follow him on Twitter. It’ll be either the second or third best decision you make today.

What’s your favorite TV show on right now?

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About The Joseph Craven

I'm tall, but not so tall that people point and stare.

36 responses to “Jesus and The Bachelorette”

  1. Sharideth Smith says :

    i’ve recently become obsessed with Mad Men.

    and for those on the fence about dipping into their Starbucks budget to buy Knox’s book, do it. then read it over a cup of homebrew. it’s worth it. and i don’t even particularly like to read.

  2. Mandie Marie says :

    I feel as though the “if it’s in writing, you can’t fight it!” was directed towards me, Joseph Craven. But guess what, I WILL FIGHT IT.

    Knox McCoy, Joseph Craven’s claims to be your Internet Best Friend are completely ridiculous. We both know that title belongs to me, the tiny Canadian. I have Internet known you longer. I changed your views on Canada with one post alone. I am a member of Awesometown. I once wrote about beards and you commented, asking to be friends. A few more words to describe our Internet Best Friendship: Pizzapants, Harry Potter, Sasquatch, not to mention being on the acknowledgement page in your book (read it and weep, Craven). Clearly, I am your Internet Best Friend, NOT Joseph Craven.

    And if you dare say that neither of us are your Internet Best Friends and that honour belongs to Tyler Stanton, then I will drive myself down to the south in September and argue my position while holding your new baby girl. THen, when she is old enough to talk, she will declare me to be your Internet Best Friend because she sees my true awesomeness. And you and I both know you’re not going to be able to resist the charms of your little girl.

    In conclusion: Knox McCoy is MY Internet Best Friend.

    • Sharideth Smith says :

      this was mildly terrifying…

    • Knox McCoy says :

      How would you feel about discussing best friendships based on nationality? I’m trying to be diplomatic.

      Also, this made me laugh loudly.

    • The Joseph Craven says :

      Oh, Internet Worst Enemy Amanda Bast, I KNOW you did not just start this. I KNOW YOU DID NOT.

      First off, we all know that dudes are naturally more prone to friendship than a dude and a lady. That’s just SCIENCE. I get science in my corner on this argument. Who do you have? Mounties?

      Are you a part of Knox’s football pick-em team? No? Didn’t think so. I am. And being on a team with somebody builds a bond that is unlike any other. That’s why we end up with email conversations that go 150 messages deep. SPORTS, AMANDA. SPORTS.

      Internet known him longer? I will give you that. But because Knox and I have not been Internet friends for as long, it works in my favor. How? Because our friendship has tremendous upside, Jay Bilas-style. Yours has plateaued, and is likely already on a downward slide.

      Finally, I shouldn’t have to point out that a true Internet Best Friend wouldn’t THREATEN TO BRAINWASH THEIR FRIEND’S DAUGHTER. I wouldn’t even THINK of making creepy stalker comments like that.

      But on a side note, we all know Tyler Stanton has no friends. I dare him to come here and try to fight that fact. In fact, I will go to his site right now and dare him.

  3. Knox McCoy says :

    I’m going to say this: I really like the direction these comments are taking thus far.

  4. Jess says :

    This comment thread is the most fantastic thing I have experienced today. Including the hush puppies and ketchup I am currently inhaling.

    So. Congratulations, all of you.

  5. Mandie Marie says :

    I did start this Joseph Craven. I did.

    You’ve got science, but I have Alan Thicke. Right? Right.

    You have sports, but I’m willing to bet I have Knox’s wife. One time he complained about putting together furniture for his child and I said “if your wife can give birth, you can read instructions”. Do you know what? She loved it. His wife. She said thanks. As far as I know, she’s not even ON the internet. But she’s on my side. You get that?

    No, I am not on his football team. But I got an email shortly after it was chosen saying this: “I wanted to personally email you and apologize for already having a full team of Pick Em contestants. I considered bumping one of my high school friends off to make room for you, but he’s really vindictive. As a consolation, we will play out the season with your initials on our team jersey. My deep, deep apologies.” Cut and PASTED. You thought that the “AB” on your jersey had something to do with the beginning of the alphabet didn’t you? NOPE. It’s ME. You’re on his team, but my initials are a part of ALL OF YOU. I don’t even need to be on Knox’s team to be on Knox’s team. I’M THAT GOOD.

    My friendships don’t plateau. That’s not even an argument worth having. I won’t stoop that low.

    Lastly, I did not threaten to brainwash his daughter. Holding a baby does not equal brainwashing. My quiet gentle nature breaks through even the hardest and babiest of hearts. Babies don’t talk, but I DON’T NEED WORDS to communicate. Babies just know I love them. Just ask my multitude of nieces/nephew. My best friend has a baby that screams when he sees his uncle. But when he sees me? HUGE GRINS. Babies love me. Knox’s baby will be no different. She will be able to see through the sports nonsense and see that I am, in fact, Knox McCoy’s Internet Best Friend. And she’s not even BORN yet.

    • The Joseph Craven says :

      Wow. I didn’t expect to have the Alan Thicke card pulled so quickly, but I think I might be able to recover from this blow.

      Knox’s wife? I’m sure she’s wonderful. But the argument doesn’t have to do with her. So we’re gonna throw that statement out for being irrelevant.

      I’m glad you copy and pasted that email. I can translate it for you: “Sorry for not picking you, but we wanted to have a team that would actually win. You don’t mean enough to me to counteract the fact that you’d be a liability. But we’ll wear your initials on our jerseys. Because that’s what teams do for people who are dead. And you? You’re dead to me.”

      You can argue all you want on the brainwashing point, but your words can’t hide what you were really saying there. Let’s break it down:

      1. “And if you dare say that neither of us are your Internet Best Friends and that honour belongs to Tyler Stanton, then I will drive myself down to the south in September and argue my position while holding your new baby girl.” Okay, right here, you’re only bringing the daughter into the conversation to use as a bargaining point. Butter it up all you want, but your argument starts with the fact that you will simply use a child to try and gain the upper hand. And not even you can deny that this statement is a threat.

      2. You say “My quiet gentle nature breaks through even the hardest and babiest of hearts” then follow it up by yelling at me (I DON’T NEED WORDS). Besides the irony of you yelling about not needing words, it’s pretty clear that you’re talking about manipulating a baby. Tack that on with the fact that you make other people grow beards for you, and it gets more and more obvious that you use others just for your own satisfaction. Sickening.

      This is a debate over friendship, but at this point, all you’ve really proven is that you’re a terrible person, Internet Worst Enemy Amanda Bast.

  6. Mandie Marie says :

    And in regards to beards: my boyfriend grew a beard because he knows I like beards. I don’t have to my precious time and energy to grow a beard because PEOPLE DO IT FOR ME.

  7. robshep says :

    Favorite TV show right now…it’s summer time…I’ve got nothing. I do enjoy the Office and when I was a kid I loved The Dukes of Hazard. I spend my nights catching up on blogs while my wife watches The Bachelor Pad and Big Brother.

  8. Tor Constantino, MBA says :

    @Knox, a forehead punch really? The cranium is the hardest bone in the body bro – a soft tissue strike to the throat or abdomen and you would have had his chair AND a single room. Oh yeah, great post….to both you you and JC

  9. Knox McCoy says :

    I just can’t properly put into words how delighted I am about this feud. I thought about trying to be diplomatic but I prefer to just see the internet burn down.

  10. Amy Payne says :

    Wow. I came here b/c Knox said if I did, I might get a copy of his book. (Hi!! Here I am!!) And then I found this major smackdown and also one of my New Favorite Internet People, “Meet the Buttrams.” (Hi!!)

    I don’t really know why there is a question at the end about favorite TV shows, but since it is summer, I have been watching “Take the Money and Run.” My husband and I like to mock the contestants and then game out exactly how we would have done SO much better than they did and we would have won the $100K. Of course.

    Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to search Knox’s page for the How-to section on making money off of watching “The Bachelor/ette.”

  11. Heather says :

    I have been leaving comments on things left and right trying to get a free copy of this book. Ames Brown wouldn’t make me wait like this. !!! Give me that book already!

  12. Stanton Martin (@stantonmartin) says :

    All of the Internet drama always happens when I am in Mexico!

Trackbacks / Pingbacks

  1. #100 « The Greatest Blog Of All Time - March 2, 2012
  2. The Domestication of Velociraptors | Knox McCoy - May 4, 2012

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