A Breakup Letter To College Football

Dear College Football,

It’s not me. It’s oh so definitely you.

I’ve loved you for my whole life. I’ve always been there for you, through BCS nonsense and even the occasional coach on a motorcycle with his 20 year old mistress problem. But I feel like it might be time for us to see less of each other.

I really, honestly have tried to defend you for the nonsense you pull, but I can’t do it anymore. I’ve said the right things: “It’s a unique experience!” and “It’s the purest form of the sport!” but truth be told, it is far, far from that. Sure, it’s definitely an experience, but these days, the experience means nothing if there aren’t instant results. There is less and less loyalty and pride every year. If you aren’t winning, it’s “What have you done for me lately?” and coaches getting fired after one year. And thanks to modern broadcasting, there are a LOT more Oregon fans popping up in the South.

And pure? Please. There’s no more prestige associated with teams. It’s just whichever school has the better boosters so a kid can be taken care of before he just moves on to the pros. We don’t see amazing stories like Boise State anymore. Why? Cause Boise started taking Nike money, and now they’ve gone from being “The Little Guy” to “The Guy Who Is Too Big To Play His Historic Rival Anymore”.

Speaking of which, there is no hope for the small guy. Powerhouses never lose! Unlike EVERY OTHER SPORT IN EXISTENCE the biggest teams just keep getting better and better every year, and smaller teams stand no chance. Every season is like watching a version of The Karate Kid where the blonde guy wins.

You can basically just flip a coin at the beginning of the year to determine whether it’ll be LSU or Alabama that year. Every season, somebody asks “Who will dethrone the SEC?” but it isn’t the SEC who really benefits from any of it. It’s two teams. At least in the NFL, teams who beat other teams get rewarded with a title shot, and not because a computer tells them they earned it.

“But Joseph!” you say, “I’ve changed! I’m bringing in a playoff!” Yes you are. An astounding four team playoff. I can’t WAIT to watch LSU, Alabama, and probably Georgia, Florida, or MAYBE Oregon battle it out. I wonder which of their seven million helmet designs Oregon will bring.

And the Heisman is a joke. At least decide whether it goes to the Most Valuable Player, the Best Player, or the Best Player On The Best Team. I mean, you really mean to tell me that Tim Tebow deserved it for leading Florida to nine wins and the Capital One Bowl? Or that Mark Ingram deserved it for being the second best running back in his conference?

I get it. You HAVE to have the most compelling player win or something like that. Somebody who brings more attention (and money!) to the sport. Of course that’s the case. Because everything you do is ultimately for the money. Money that, of course, goes back to your organizations and conferences. At least professionals get paid for what they do. You won’t even let the people who EARN MONEY FOR YOU see any of the results.

I know, I know. It would be safe to assume this is how I feel because the team I cheer for is doing poorly, but it’s not. In fact, the team I cheer for is doing quite well this year. Sure, we’ve lost the last two weeks, but there are PLENTY of teams who would kill to only have two losses on the season and even the SMALLEST chance to go 10-2. And let’s not forget that a 7-0 start was the best we did since 1999. Much better than we normally fare, so I’m pretty pleased with this season.

I feel this way because there is nothing else for me to enjoy beyond that. Even if my team was to win the rest of their games and finish the regular season 10-2, all it really means is a trip to a slightly higher tier bowl game. The reward isn’t all that great considering the same teams year in and year out go to all the biggest games. You really think USC needs another Rose Bowl trip? Really? Why do you act surprised when people REJOICE at the prospect of somebody new busting into a BCS game?

So it’s frustrating, College Football. You really don’t give the same reward you used to. You don’t have the “Anyone can beat anyone!” excitement of college basketball. You don’t have the superstar capabilities of professional sports. You are predictable, and all of your important aspects are governed by what can make you the most money.

So yes, we need to break up. The frustration isn’t worth the limited reward. But remember, College Football, it’s not me. It’s oh so definitely you.

But who am I kidding. I’ll see you this weekend.