Guide to the NBA Finals

I know that many of you don’t follow the NBA but may be curious as to who to pull for in the Finals, which start tonight. I know this, because nobody follows the NBA. They may claim they do, but they’re like the guys who say they follow politics because they scan the Yahoo headlines. It’s an 82 game season, so unless you are a sports writer, you’re not going to watch a game every night. Don’t even get me started on Major League Baseball, where the next season is starting before the last one even ends.

So that’s why I’m here: so that you can properly enjoy watching the final professional basketball showdowns of the season with this well-informed, super helpful guide to the two teams involved.

Dallas Mavericks

See JJ Barea on the far right? That's his actual height.

The average age of the Mavericks is 40 years old. This stat is mostly provided by their point guard, the 57 year old Jason Kidd. That’s what makes the Mavs so easy to pull for: at any point they could die on the court.

Don't pull anything, man

The team is led by Dirk Nowitzki, who is about as German as it comes. Dirk is super tall and shoots the ball really well, which actually somehow makes him unique in basketball. So far in the playoffs, Dirk has averaged 28.4 points per game, made over half of his shots, and single-handedly killed the Oklahoma City Thunder. At one point, Oklahoma City put somewhere around 7 defenders on Dirk and he still made the shot. And the refs didn’t even mention that OKC added two defenders illegally! Typical.

The Mavs are owned by Mark Cuban, who made a bunch of money years ago, bought a basketball team, and then went insane. Literally nobody remembers how Cuban got rich, but that’s okay, because it allowed us to witness somebody completely lose their cool over the smallest things in each and every game. For this reason, and this reason alone, Mark Cuban is the greatest owner in all sports. If the Mavs win, ten bucks says Cuban takes the Larry O’Brien trophy from commissioner David Stern and promptly eats it.

Nobody's going to take that bet

The last thing you should know about Dallas is that they handed a huge beatdown to the Los Angeles Lakers, whom nobody likes, so therefore that has to make them the good guys, right?

Miami Heat

YAY BEST FRIENDS CLUB

The Miami Heat are all terrible human beings who gave everyone they know over to the mob and spend their free time burning down orphanages. Or so I hear from everyone in the media.

Either that or they’re the single greatest basketball team of all time. The media says that a lot also. Guess they can’t make up their minds.

The Heat are basically three really good basketball players and then a couple of guys they picked by throwing darts blindfolded at a list of free agents. The leader of the pack is Dwayne Wade, who primarily is the leader because he has been in Miami for his whole career and hasn’t done anything in the past year to make himself look like an awful human being or a complete idiot. Which leads us straight into the other two guys!

LeBron James might actually be a robot. It would explain how he is so freakishly athletic, how he somehow scores 6 points a game using only his forehead, and also how he emotionlessly abandoned his entire fanbase last year just so he could move to Florida. But apart from that whole fact, one thing is for certain: he’s just slightly unstoppable at basketball.

Unless you give him an opportunity elsewhere

Chris Bosh played his whole career until this season for the Toronto Raptors, where he doubled as their mascot.

Like we actually NEED to compare

He is also a highly talented player, but gets a lot of flack because he’s a notorious underacheiver, only weighs like 97 pounds despite being super tall, and also once did a photoshoot like this:

We let this happen, guys

Look, at this point, you should realize that you can understand Chris Bosh just by looking at photos of him.

You startled him!

Conclusion

Ultimately, it’s up to you who you chose to root for. You have the Heat, who are super athletic, young, and lack any moral quality, or the Mavs, who are old, have a bench that could outscore your starters, and are owned by a man who I’m terrified will show up in my house one night.