Apologizing For Myself

Last week, a very rare thing happened to me: somebody complimented me.

I won’t bore you with a post about nice things somebody said to me. You deserve better than that. But what you should know is that they basically said I was an okay person. This isn’t notable, I know this. It only stood out to me because I know this person’s history, and I know how often they have written off other people. I knew their history of being hurt by other people, and their response of hating other people.

It made me wonder if they realized that I was no different. No different than them. No different than the people they hated. No different than the people they had been hurt by. Read More…

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April 1, 2013

How To Be A Sports Fan: Lesson Two

Merriam-Webster defines confidence as “a feeling or consciousness of one’s powers.”

If you want to be a true sports fan, you have to understand that this is the first and only definition of the word. At no point does “confidence” apply to be certain of anything other than yourself.

In athletics, though, there is an entirely new form of confidence that somehow becomes even more self-centered than normal. It is what happens when confidence is blended with sheer arrogance. Truthfully, it’s located somewhere between confidence and arrogance, but as you’ll learn, nobody in the world really understands it at all.

I of course am talking about Swagger, and if you want to be a sports fan, you have to understand exactly what Swagger is and what Swagger isn’t. Read More…

March 29, 2013

Paradox of Opinions

I can’t sing.

I mean, I’m not going to make people cover their ears and run out of the room screaming or anything. But I’m also not going to warm up the pipes and make ladies swoon. I’m capable enough to do what I need to do and comfortable enough to know it’s not exactly my spiritual gift.

But don’t you dare tell me that I can’t sing, because I will get livid, and I will get indignant. Read More…

March 25, 2013

How To Be A Sports Fan: Lesson One

Sports are a mighty fine part of our culture, and chances are if you’re reading this you either: A) are a sports fan, B) are curious about getting into sports, C) don’t care at all, or D) are….a feline or something, maybe?

Well if you fall into any of those categories, you have been exposed to sports on at least the smallest level. If you don’t understand them at all, don’t worry. I am here to instruct you on the many complex and depressing facets of what it means to be a sports fan. Keep reading, even if you just flat out dislike sports (Hi, Amanda!) because at the very least, understanding sports will make you a more well developed person and give you an understanding of culture as a whole. After all, these days we don’t focus as much on raising our kids to be the next great artist like Rembrandt, composer like Bach, or dancer like Shashitokonicxinicixhsnichvic. We raise them to be the next MJ, the next Joe Montana, or even the next Tiger Woods, minus all the gross sex stuff but keeping in the really boring sport of choice.

Sports are everywhere in our culture, so that’s why everybody should, at least on some sort of level, learn how to be a sports fan.

Moving Forward and Looking Ahead

I don’t often look straight ahead while I drive.

I know, I know. That’s a pretty awful thing to claim, especially on a public forum like that internet. But I’m not saying I drive dangerously or anything. In fact, what I’m talking about is probably something you do too. Think about it: how much of your driving time do you actually spend staring straight ahead? You’re constantly checking rear and side view mirrors and blind spots and making yourself aware of your surroundings. You’d actually be behaving much more recklessly if you never took your eyes off of the road ahead of you.

So I’m not often staring straight ahead. I’m looking around, and checking mirrors and blind spots and all of that. And because of that, in my almost 25 years of life, I’ve only ever had one minor fender-bender that wasn’t my fault.

Nearly 25 years of life. That doesn’t seem right. Read More…

February 1, 2013