Harry Potter

I liked Harry Potter a lot more when J.R.R. Tolkien wrote it. It was more original, took up fewer books, and didn’t emphasize girly things like romance.

Thanks a lot, Peter Jackson

My entire Harry Potter understanding comes from watching two movies. I have never read any of the books. I have literally only seen the first film and Deathly Hallows Part One. So this post isn’t so much about Potter, but HP through my eyes: somebody who knows nothing at all.

If you would like something from somebody who has actually gotten into Harry Potter and had that emotional connection, check out Stanton Martin Dot Com. Otherwise, brace yourself.

So innocent, before they realized they had traded normal teenage development to star in movies.

Harry Potter follows the story of Harry and his friends, Ron Weasley, who is never any help at all, and Hermione Granger, whose name is pronounced Herminey. From here on out, it will be spelled that way.

Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, and Emma Watson, were picked to play the lead characters, thereby certifying that they will never be cast in any other movies ever again. I used to be frequently told “Hey, you look like Harry Potter!” This translates to “You’re frail, have a bad haircut, and wear glasses!” so I never enjoyed the comparison.

In the first movie, we learn that Harry lives with his aunt, uncle, and fat cousin, who all hate him. At the age of 11, he discovers that he has magical abilities, and that the family he lives with are all Muggles. This is an adorable term that means non-magical people. Not to be confused with Moogles, which are adorable magical creatures from Final Fantasy.

Pretty close though.

Harry is taken to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Nobody once ever questions why the school was given such an awful name. Imagine if instead of Harvard, we had named it Greasypimple University.

"Yes, I earned my doctorate at Pieceofcrap."

There are four houses at Hogwarts that the children are divided into. Two of them don’t matter. The other two are Gryffindor, where all the wizards who are actually worth a crap get placed, and Slytherin, where everybody is evil. Yet it’s cool that they live there. Just imagine Gandalf and Sauron renting an apartment together.

"The Dark Lord sent me to say it's your turn to buy toilet paper"

We learn of one particularly nasty wizard named Voldemort, but you’re not allowed to say his name. He killed Harry Potter’s parents, but for whatever reason couldn’t kill Harry. Then apparently Voldemort died at some point, but is trying to come back. Keep in mind I only saw the first film, so for all I really know, Voldemort was a nickname given to some nasty wart on somebody’s head.

That creeped me the hell out

Harry kills the bad guy (normal stuff for 11 year olds to do) and the movie ends. I can only assume that the next several movies are just about the kids getting a solid magical education during their key developmental years.

Then I watch Deathly Hallows Part One, and I’m left with these questions:

Even I looked better at that age

Herminey got together with….RON? Okay, in what movie does the SIDEKICK get the girl? From the get-go, it’s pretty clear that Harry and Herminey had that typical “hero and female companion” chemistry. And now that she’s grown up and attractive (got a bit of a large forehead, but still attractive) she is with his best friend? Harry obviously messed up on that one.

Good ol'....Egg?

At least Harry ended up with some hotty, right? Wait, her? His best friend’s sister? The most forgettable love interest of all time? Not even the creepy blonde chick from the wedding? Whose wedding was that, anyway? I don’t recognize any of those people.

Anyway, she’s cute and all, but you’re supposed to hire supermodels to be the love interest. That’s how movies are done. I can’t even honestly remember her character’s name.

A ring. How original.

What the hell is a horcrux? Okay, so Voldemort is back (noseless for some reason, but back). But there are these things called horcruxes that are supposed to be key to his returning? And the heroes are on a quest to find and destroy them. So….the bad guy has hidden his power into certain objects that he needs to return to full power. Why does this sound familiar?

I'll give you a hint.

"So, is 'my precious' copyrighted?"

This little goblin thing apparently knows and can do everything. Why doesn’t he solve their problems? I don’t care what kind of crack J.K. Rowling was on: no “elf” stands 3 feet tall and is terrified of its own shadow. Dobby is some goblin thing. Who can teleport. And take others with him. And knows everything that is going on. And for some reason, they use him to escape once. Then he dies. Thanks a lot, Rowling. He was adorable.

"Alright guys, Abbey Road was fun and all, but next time, we get our SergeantPepper on"

They were in school for like ten years. Did they learn ANYTHING? When I last left our heroes, Harry committed spells by accident, Ron did nothing, and Herminey was smart but bossy. Now, years later, Harry is really moody and can’t control anything, Ron is really moody and does nothing, and Herminey is really moody and is still bossing them around. Luke Skywalker was on Dagobah for like ten MINUTES and he figured out this “Jedi” thing. Hogwarts must be losing funding.

Honestly, I really enjoyed the two movies I’ve seen (technically three, but I talked through Prisoner of Azkaban). But Quidditch seems silly to me, and the words “butter and beer” don’t go together (in my opinion, neither do “light” and “beer”). I don’t get the appeal.

I hope you enjoyed Deathly Hallows Part Two. I’ll get around to watching it. Then all the ones I missed.

Harry Potter just isn’t my thing. But hey, it could always be worse.

Much, MUCH worse.

Well, are you a Potter head? Have you gone to midnight showings wearing your little round glasses and rocking your Gryffindor scarf? Did I miss anything important in those movies I haven’t watched?

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About The Joseph Craven

I'm tall, but not so tall that people point and stare.

9 responses to “Harry Potter”

  1. Sam Hemingway says :

    “Harry Potter is about confronting fears, finding inner strength and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend.” – Stephen King

  2. Sam Hemingway says :

    incidentally, i saw the most recent one last week a day before it came out at a special showing.. after it finished i mentioned that i had just watched it to some people who had been waiting for like 6 hours outside.. they totally freaked out.. i lol’d

  3. Stanton says :

    I’d venture to say you missed things from the movies you DID see if you’re not sure when Voldermort died, but I’m a fan, and have read all the books, so anything I say doesn’t count.

  4. randomlychad says :

    You don’t like Harry? De gustibus non disputandem est. That should fix you! ;-)

    Also, and I say this purely subjectively, you may be cruising on the g-boat, but http://randomlychad.com rides on a swanky ocean liner. That is all.
    ;-)

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